Blue Christmas . . .

Two weeks before Christmas we got the unexpected news that we were pregnant. It was so exciting, but we were fearful knowing our past history and hearing the Dr.'s warnings. We knew we were high risk for miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and just numerous things to go wrong. Well, after two weeks of close monitoring, we found we will be having another miscarriage. No explanation, no reason, no hope. It is always devastating to receive this kind of news, but especially 2 days before Christmas. We managed to enjoy at least some of the holidays with Addie and our families, but we are still hurting very deeply. This has been quite a journey of 3 1/2 years of pain trying to have a second child. We had our first miscarriage in July 2005, followed by an ectopic pregnancy in September 2005 that rendered me unable to conceive again. In July 2006 we tried IVF and it failed, followed by a frozen IVF cycle which failed in February 2007. I had corrective surgery in September 2007, and it has taken us over a year of trying to conceive. Our application for adoption is still open, and we have no idea what will happen next. We had hoped this was the end of this journey, but it is not. . .

Snow, Snow, Snow! (Sung as on White Christmas)

It's the most wonderful time of the year! (or so they tell me) This Christmas season started a little ba-humbug for me this year. Although I love Christmas, I really don't like all the busyness and crowds, and even less the pressure to be thoughtful for all of our families! Last night was one of the first times this season I felt ready for Christmas. There is just something about snow! It seems to me we had more snow growing up in Kentucky and Missouri than here, so I appreciate it so much when we actually get some! Our puppy George loves the snow, and it was his first time. He is so funny as he pushes the snow together with his paws and then slides. While it was coming down last night he kept glancing at his back to see what was landing on him. Then he spends the rest of the time trying to get Addie's mittens as we both giggle. I'm looking forward to watching "White Christmas" and snuggling up to cocoa and a fire this weekend.

In all the traditions we have for ourselves and our families, it's so easy to forget what we celebrate. I have tried to drill it in Addie's head the real meaning of Christmas. We have really enjoyed watching the movie "The Nativity Story" as it gives such a real picture of what it was like for Mary and Joseph all those years ago. The wonder of how God became flesh, and dwelt among us should still astound us. The All-Sufficient God coming as a helpless baby, trusting the very people who have let Him down countless times, should still astound us. I will pray God astounds me this year as we retell the Christmas story and remember it was all for us.

A Sick Child

Addie has been sick since Friday morning and today is Sunday afternoon. It has been the terrible stomach virus that will not go away. She has had high fever, throwing up and diarrhea. To give you an idea of how bad she feels, she's actually asked us a few times while laying on the couch to just turn off the TV! She said once while throwing up, "Mommy when I throw up, it's just the worst of my life!" It really is. She has had horrible diarrhea with this and we have put towels down on the couch and in the bed. Addie came into the room and our bulldog had made herself comfortable on the couch, and Addie said, "Mommy, Gracie is sitting on my toot towel!" I just had to laugh.

Through the last few days, I am reminded of how much I take her health for granted. Addie is almost never sick. The times we have been at Children's hospitals, I see so many young children with much worse things. We have friends whose children have life altering illnesses, and even those we know who have lost children. I cannot even imagine.

Being very analytical, it makes me wonder how God feels in these circumstances. I have felt a little like I think He must feel these last few days. I wish I could take Addie's pain, her fever and even throw up for her. I wish I could hurt for her so she wouldn't have to hurt. If I did that, what lesson would she or Justin and I learn? If our lives were only easy, would we ever look for a Father who can do all we ask or imagine? Probably not.

So while I go clean up the mess on the floor, on the walls, and in the toilet, I will remind myself how very blessed I am to have a healthy child.

Shadowfeet

It's no secret how much I love music, in particular, worship music. There is a song out right now which I LOVE, and it's not labeled "worship," but it sure makes me worship! I bought it on itunes and have listened to it a million times. It's by Brooke Fraser, and she is from New Zealand. The song is called, "Shadowfeet," great title. We both love C.S. Lewis, and she has ties to Mercy Ministries which is where we have applied to adopt. Please check out her music and you will be blessed. The lyrics speak to the day coming when God shows up! Here they are. . .

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet. Toward home,a land that i've never seen I am changing: less and less asleep made of different stuff than when i began and i have sensed it all along fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]when the world has fallen out from under
me I'll be found in You, still standing when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their
knees when time and space are through I'll be found in You

Theres distraction buzzing in my head saying in the shadows it's easier to
stay but I've heard rumours of true reality whispers of a well-lit way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No

I Left My Heart in San Francisco and Carmel!

We just returned home from our belated 10th Anniversary trip to San Francisco and Carmel. It was the most amazing trip of my life. There are no words to describe the beauty and majesty of the Pacific Coast. The pictures can only give a glimpse of being there. The smell of the pines and the eucalyptus trees, and the sound of the waves crashing as sea foam sprays on your face are missing from the visuals. Every where you look, there is beauty- breathtaking beauty. In that beauty it was hard to miss seeing God in all His splendor.

We had so much fun in San Francisco. This was Justin's first trip west of Colorado, and we were both amazed at the hills in San Francisco. It was crazy to drive to the top of a hill and not even be able to see the road until you started going down. We took a professional tour (Mr. Toad's Tours) and they showed us all the sights of the city. We were able to stay at the Fairmont San Francisco and it was AMAZING! (This was the hotel site used in the old TV show "Hotel") We will never stay anywhere nicer than this hotel, and our room overlooked most of the city all the way to Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge. We had the robes, flat screen TV, granite shower and large tub, and complimentary champagne with chocolate covered strawberries. While we were there, we rode the trolleys, ate at Ghiradelli square, toured Fisherman's wharf, and heard the sea lions on Pier 39. We also took the hike to Point Bonita Lighthouse which was our favorite part of San Francisco. The views were unbelievable and we had to take a cat walk bridge to the lighthouse. (It was an old bridge that only 2 could cross at a time.) When you walked across the bridge, it would sway in the wind. I was terrified! We toured the Muir Woods and it was a peaceful walk through trees from the turn of the century.

In Carmel, we stayed at the Tickle Pink Inn which had an amazing view. It was a very wonderful place. Carmel is so quaint with all the cottages and shopping, all the while hearing the roar of the ocean only yards away. We took the 17 mile drive and it was captivating. We rode horses on the beach and rode through golf courses to get there! There was a place on our ride called "Seal Rock" where hundreds of sea lions all were on a rock about an acre wide. They were so loud, but it was just incredible. We shopped and toured the infamous Pebble Beach Golf Course. Once again, beautiful. Then we took the drive to Big Sur, which was just incredible. We drove over the Bixby Bridge and everywhere you looked it was a picture.

The best part of the trip for me, was spending much needed time focusing on each other. We get so busy in our day to day lives, we forget how much we enjoy just being together. Hopefully our next big anniversary trip will come close to this one.

The Election

I find myself quite political every 4 years, and this time was no exception. I remember turning 18 just in time to vote for Bush instead of Clinton in 1992. When Bush lost, I was devastated. I felt like no one heard my voice. This year was such a different election for me. I really do like John McCain. How can you argue with someone who has served his country so faithfully even as a POW for the country he loves so much. He is a man of honor and distinction and I cried as he read his congratulations to Obama speech to the country last night. A different time, and a different election and McCain would be President. I guess it was not to be.

I am excited to have a black President, and I can see how charismatic Obama is. Of course, I am worried about his liberal agenda, and his desire to get out of Iraq quickly. Justin and I are both concerned about what will happen with the healthcare industry. The good things about his presidency are the healing of the racial tension in the country and the world view of the US has already improved in many places. I will stand behind Obama as President, and before we try to villanize him, just as the democrats have done to President Bush, I will remember the respect the office deserves. I believe God brings the right people into government at the right time. If this is the beginning of the end times as some suggest, then it is still God's timing. I hope Obama can bring our country together, and will be someone who God uses in a great way. It's time for everyone to quit fighting and come together. So I will take the McCain/Palin sign out of our yard, and be so thankful I get to live in the greatest country in the world.

Happy Halloween!

Our morning started out a little rough with the dreaded words, "Mommy my tummy doesn't feel good." This was followed by throwing up in the bathroom floor. (At least it wasn't the bed.) This is always difficult for me as I am a sympathetic vomitter. (This was something I really loved in Justin. As a nurse, I knew he could handle cleaning up blood, poop, and vomit. Much to my surprise, he does not handle Addie's vomit very well.) I managed to clean it up, and I felt terrible for Addie. She was looking forward to all our Halloween activities, and there she was pale as a ghost laying on the couch. I grabbed the thermometer and played nurse for awhile, only to discover no fever. This was odd. Addie has never had a stomach bug without a fever. Then it occurred to me how much snot she has had lately, and that's exactly what it looked like coming back out. She threw up one more time into a blanket (GROSS) and tried to hide it from me. She was desperate to go trick or treating. After a few more hours, it was obvious she was not sick she had just swallowed too much stuff. Addie slept the afternoon away, and was ready to go! We were able to trick or treat in our neighborhood, and then drove to a friends house and trick or treated more with their families! It was a blast! As Macy said, "This is the best Halloween ever!"

Justin dressed as Phillip Fulmer (UT's football coach for at least a few more games) and held a sign that read "Will Coach for Candy." I attempted to be somewhat crafty and got ideas from the internet for these cupcakes! Addie and I had lots of fun making ghosts, bats, and mummies. The ghosts melted, so I thought I'd share these!

Don't Leave Home Without Her!

A few weeks ago, Addie was able to sweet talk Justin out of a speeding ticket. She had her window down in the car, and when the police officer approached the car she said, "I wasn't doing anything wrong I was just sitting here." The police officer laughed and said, "I know honey, Daddy was just driving too fast." After a few more exchanges, Justin drove away without a speeding ticket.

Today, the same thing happened only it was my turn. I was driving home from my great Aunt's 90th birthday celebration, when I was pulled over one street away from my parents' house. We rolled the windows down again in the car, and Addie said emphatically, "Don't give my Mommy a speeding ticket!" The police officer was surprised and laughed, and told her he would not give her Mommy a ticket. After waiting for a long time, he came back with 2 warnings. He gave one to Addie and one to me. He told her to slow down, and told Addie to make sure I did too. All in all, it was wonderful. There is just no telling how much money she has saved us! Thank You Addie!

It's FINALLY FINISHED!

I am happy to report after working on our home study and adoption papers, letters, FBI checks, autobiographies, scrapbook, and paperwork on and off for 6 months, we are finished! We actually have our application turned into Mercy Ministries. Next week, we are talking with an attorney to have our paperwork in with her too! Please pray for us, as now we just wait. Of course, we have not given up our hope in another biological child so we will be trying all our options! We feel blessed to have all the hard work finished and now it is in the hands of someone else. We know God is watching over all the process, and we will pray He brings a child into our home who belongs with us, no matter how. Please keep us in your prayers as we wait, in what has already seemed an eternity waiting for our next child.

TAG! You're it!

I was tagged by my friend Melissa to tell 6 quirky things about myself. This is my first tag, so I decided to respond! (By the way I am so new to blogging, I really did not even know this was done.)

1. I am completely OCD about the garage door. Almost daily, I leave my home and turn around half way through our neighborhood to make sure I have closed it. I used to call my neighbor across the street to ask, but she moved. (Hopefully those 2 things are unrelated.) It's gotten to the point Addie asks me why I'm turning around, and then sighs loudly after my response.

2. I am also OCD about emails. I find myself checking them too regularly. We went to see Justin's family this weekend, and I did not check it. I was very proud of myself. (The new iphone helps me not be too OCD.) I'm not all that important, so I really don't know why I think I will miss something!

3. I LOVE chocolate. I eat chocolate every day. Even if I make a blackberry cobbler or apple pie, I still need chocolate. It's almost like any other dessert is a vegetable, because it must be followed by chocolate.

4. I am overly attached to my pillow. I've taken it to New York City, to Chicago, and Disney World and everywhere else we travel. I tell myself it's because I do not sleep well without it. This is partly true, because I forgot my pillow one time and awoke with pain in my neck. I've had this pillow since early childhood, although this may be disgusting to some, I have resown new covers over the old ones. I've tried new pillows and they just aren't the same. I guess my well-traveled pillow is still my security blanket. . .

5. I have separation anxiety when I leave our bulldog, Gracie. Maybe it's because when we first bought her, we gave her away, only to get her back a few months later. (It's a cool story, I will have to tell later.) I used to have separation anxiety with Addie, but now I can tell her and she understands. With Gracie, I know she does not understand. We've never boarded Gracie in 8 years, but we've had friends and family keep her. You know people will love your child as you do, but with a dog, you just never know.

6. I research everything, from the best buy on something, to the best place to stay, to the things to do when you travel. Even when we travel to see family, I will see what is going on in the area just to make sure we don't miss anything! I am usually laid back and flexible when we arrive, but I have a list of things I want to do during the time we are there.

This really feels like confession. Anyone else want to divulge some painful secrets? Be my guest!

Pumpkin Farms

Growing up in Missouri, we did not have pumpkin farms. We did have hay rides, bonfires, and fun Fall nights. One thing we have enjoyed doing every year since Addie was 2 1/2 is going to the pumpkin farms. It's a great time to be outside enjoying the beauty of the leaves and the changing of the seasons. We had a fun time tonight at the pumpkin farm with our friends from church.

There's just something special about Fall to me. The crispness in the air, the sound of high school football games, and the excitement of school beginning. I am more nostalgic in the Fall and find myself missing the years I was in school. It's funny to think about being stressed in college with papers and tests. The stress is so much different now. I remember feeling carefree with endless possibilities in front of me. College was a time when I didn't know the pain of infertility, or my father's Parkinson's disease, or the reality of losing those I love most. It seemed as if my dreams were just there to be realized. My dreams have changed and my dreams have changed me.

Would I go back? No, and it's for moments just like today. It's doing life with those friends who are so dear to me. One of my favorite things is watching Addie enjoy life with her friends, and I can't even imagine giving up one day with Addie to go relive my childhood. Although as I look at the world around me, I might reminisce about days gone by. There is a reason we are here at this point in history and God has a purpose for all the joys and the pain. Even when we can't see what He is doing, we will remember His hand is over all the mess. His providence is so evident in the beauty of Fall, and I'm so thankful He gives us this season to enjoy!

Feeling Loved. . .

As I've gotten older, my expectations of what my birthday should be have lessened greatly. In college, I had surprise parties all 4 years. (The funny thing is, I was always surprised.) I've had birthdays in a hospital, in New York, at Perkin's at 2 am in college, and at home. Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday with good friends, flowers, sweet phone calls, funny emails, and my family. All in all, it was a wonderful birthday (especially with my new iphone). My new way of thinking is, if on your birthday you feel loved that is all you can ask for! Thanks to everyone who remembered and made my day so special. . .

Sovereignty in Suffering

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. (1 Corinth 4:7-12)

I've been thinking a great deal about suffering and what it means to us as Christians. We have had a difficult few years, and we have also seen the suffering of those around us. Where is God in our suffering? Does God allow pain or does God cause pain? My thoughts are God does both, allow and cause pain. In the life of Christ, He allowed the pain. In other situations, you read of God hardening someone's heart and then they suffer. Sometimes our pains are a direct result of our own poor choices. My pastor suggested I read the book, "Disappointment with God" by Phillip Yancey. I am enjoying it so far. It speaks of how we as Christians often perceive God in false way.

Do we believe if we are all good little girls and boys, God will grant our wishes? Maybe. Although it is not what the Bible teaches, it is what some teach us as we grow in our Christian faith. Possibly they teach us this, because you do reap what you have sown. However, what about when the rain falls on us in faithfulness? We have numerous examples in the Bible and in life, where someone serves God faithfully only to be beaten, distressed, persecuted, or even killed.

Why do we as Christians believe we can live in our suburban, middle class America, and somehow make it without suffering? For me, 9/11 was the first time I did not feel completely safe in our country. We have this false sense of safety and control in our lives. I believe these horrific events help to remind us of how very little control we have and how safety is always temporary. No one is immune to pain or suffering, although some seem to escape with less than others. C.S. Lewis said, "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Would we look for God in our lives if we did not endure difficulties?

In high school, when I was dealing with several painful things a wise friend sent me this image. He said when you have a perfect piece of pottery, if you place a light down inside it, you cannot see the light. If you have a broken piece of pottery, and shine the light down inside it, the light shines through the broken places. Just like in our own lives, if we are perfect His light cannot shine through us. It is only in our broken places where His light shines clearly.

So where is God in the suffering? I have thought so much about how God turned His face away when Christ suffered the ultimate sacrifice. He turned His face away because He knew there was a greater good on the other side of it. I will choose to believe in our suffering, though He may turn His head, He is right beside us and sees the greater good on the other side of our present sufferings.


"My God, I have never thanked you for my thorn! I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorn. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear, teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed to you by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow." George Matheson

Meet George

After talking about getting another dog for at least a year, we finally did! We named him George. His name is George because we always thought it would be funny to have a George and Gracie. George is the same mix as Gracie, 1/2 French Bulldog, and 1/2 Pug. Gracie has been such a wonderful dog, we couldn't imagine choosing a different mix. George was hard to find, but he is worth the wait. He has been wonderful so far, although I did forget how much they bite. Gracie is tolerating him right now. Hopefully someday soon, she will love him and mother him. He's been great at potty training and sleeping all night in his crate. Addie adores George. We have to remind her to leave him alone. He wants to sleep a lot and Addie has things for him to do and things for him to wear. Poor George.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

Party Time, Excellent!

Well, after a postponement, a fever and much rain, we were able to do Addie's party a day late. It was so much fun, and the kids actually swam in the freezing water. No adult made it into the pool, but the kids didn't seem to mind the polar bear swim. Needless to say, we had the pool to ourselves. Who knew it was going to be so cool already in September! Last year we were still roasting. Addie was excited to have all her grandparents there as well as her cousins. Here's a few of the pics from Saturday. . .

Addie turns 5!

Well, it's hard to believe and hard to swallow, but yesterday Addie turned 5 years old. I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing she has been to us. At first, like all parents we fell in love with her but had quite the adjustment to our carefree lives. I can't even imagine our lives without her now. Her personality is outgoing, funny, loving, gentle, tenderhearted, fun, and caring. Addie's favorite movie is Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, the 1954 version, which has been one of my favorites for years! Justin always says how much Addie is like me, although she has the gentleness, love, and humor of him. She loves to play the Wii with her Daddy. She is very much a Daddy's girl right now.

She asked me a really deep theological question yesterday, and I thought surely this doesn't happen at 5 years old. We have had big rains today, and her party was supposed to be tonight. We had to move the party to tomorrow. She said, "Mommy, does God make it rain?" To which I replied, "Yes, God makes it rain." Then without missing a beat she said, "Why would God make it rain on my party?" It's funny she is asking the same things I am asking right now in my own spiritual walk with the Lord. Why does God bring so much rain in our lives? I know His purpose is bigger and better than ours, but why does He have to make us endure such pain. When she asked the question, it made me wonder if she's heard our conversations and picked up on our struggles. We will be more careful. Although, I would like her to have a real picture of life and God, not the fairy tale "Santa Claus" God who doesn't exist. It will be a matter of balance, of teaching her who God is through the Bible and through our own experience with Him.

All in all, Addie had a great birthday and we will pray for another wonderful year of growing and learning together. . .

Meet me in St. Louis

Growing up anywhere in Missouri gives one a chance to become a St. Louis Cardinal fan. We lived in Jackson MO until I went to college, but when my parents moved to St. Louis during my college years, we became even more dedicated to the Cardinals. We've been working on Justin, since he married into the family in 1998. He's at least wearing the attire as he watched his beloved Braves get beat by the Cards 6-3. We had such a great time during the game. The temperature was perfect, and we saw Pujols hit a home run in the first inning! Who could ask for anything more! Addie enjoyed the game, but liked the snow cone more. After the game, she was able to run the bases with Justin on the field. It was a great day at the ballpark. Before the game we took Addie up into the Arch, which she knows about from Little Einsteins. After the Arch and the game, we headed to Max and Erma's, a famous St. Louis restaurant. It was a great day.


On day two in St. Louis, we went to the City Museum and the St. Louis Zoo. I would not recommend trying both these attractions in the same day. It was 12 hours of straight walking and climbing, but was so much fun! The City Museum was unlike anything we've ever been to, it had play structures throughout, with hands on learning and climbing. The outdoor structure as you can see from the photo is about 4 stories high of climbing slides, into planes, and wire ladders. With me being claustrophobic and afraid of heights, Justin did most of this with her as I took pictures and video. Then, it was on the the St. Louis Zoo, which is FREE! We had a fantastic time there seeing hippos swim, all kind of bears, tigers, and sea lions, OH MY! The sea lion show was great, and we all had a so much fun seeing animals we don't normally see at the TN zoos. We may have to do our St. Louis trip each year, since we weren't able to do everything we wanted to do. Anyone like to join us?

Tubin' Time

My parents had a boat until I was about 8, and from then on we just had friends with boats. The last two summers we have rented or borrowed a boat for a few days. It's so much fun! I keep telling Justin we need a boat! (He says we just need friends with boats.) Maybe he's right, but I really do love being out on the water. Much to our surprise our little fish, Addie, spent more time on the tube than any of us. She LOVES to swim and loves tubing. At first we tried to be careful with her, and rode along slowly. Then we became more brave, and did not scare her no matter how many circles we drove in! It was really a great 3 days with my parents, sister, and Grandma on the lake. We will look forward to next summer and do it all over again!

When Satan Laughs

My dad has been a pastor for over 42 years. He retired in December after much prayer and consideration, because his Parkinson's disease had begun to affect his job performance. It was a difficult decision for him, who once believed he'd go to his grave from the pulpit. Making the decision all the more difficult was his deep love for his church. Dad and Mom decided to stay in the church as members.

At the time of Dad's retirement, the church had minor issues but was growing, active, loving, and trying to reach the people in their community for Christ. Since his retirement, an interim pastor and influential men in his church have begun to divide the people and cause great pain to the church and my parents. At first, I wanted my parents to stay and fight for what I believed was right for the church. Now, I am hoping they leave the mess, either by leaving the church, or just staying out of the way of the fiery arrows.

What saddens me the most is knowing how much Satan is laughing. He uses Christian people for evil. He puffs them up with their own pride and selfish ambitions, and makes them believe in their hearts its for the best. Meanwhile, the bride of Christ is torn to pieces, made ineffective for the gospel, and breaking the hearts of the ones who serve in it. On a personal level, it's heartbreaking because I see my parents suffer. This situation has further aged my Dad, and caused his Parkinson's to be even more cruel. There are times I want to call those who are responsible and fight for my parents and what I believe is right. If I did, would I be any better than those who started the whole thing? I really don't know. Tonight I will pray, and I will remember who God is. He is the God of the Israelites, and when they worshipped the golden calves days after seeing the Red Sea part, He still loved them. The God of David, who even after David murdered his mistress's husband, God loved him and restored him. God is the Restorer, the Redeemer, Sovereign and I'm glad it's in His hands and not ours.

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart. Proverbs 21:2

Ghost Stories, S'mores, and Good Times

It was a good weekend, and a hard one. Justin's Dad lost his job after being with his company for 35 years. We spent most of the weekend helping them get their house ready to sell. We did manage to have some fun while we were there. On Saturday, we got to spend time with Wayne and Sherry at their home and eat a WONDERFUL meal prepared by them. On Sunday, we met our friends Greg and Jessica at the park down by the river in the UT Campus area. Addie and Connor (their son) got to have loads of fun running in and out of all the waterfalls and sprayers.

After our time with them it was our 2nd Annual Camping Trip with our nephews. Justin pitched the tent in Mimi and Pop Pop's backyard. We built a bonfire and made S'mores! They were so good, and they just taste like Summer to me. After the S'mores, it was time for all of us to share our scary ghost stories. For dramatic reasons, we always hold a flashlight under our mouths. Then, we giggle because we can see up each other's noses. Most stories were not so scary since they were told by 4, 6, and 8 year olds. Justin's story scared Luke so much he slept inside in Mimi's bed. Addie's stories are always funny because they include princesses and unicorns, which usually are not all that scary. A good time was had by all, and we did manage to get a little sleep. (I slept the best, because I made it inside to sleep.) Once again, I am reminded of how fast the Summer goes. It's really such a gift, and I hope we will always make summertime's special.

Conversations of 4 year olds. . .

We have been enjoying our visit with one of our nephews, Luke (Lukester) who is 8 weeks younger than Addie. On our way to church this morning they were having a conversation about a movie Luke has seen called "Monster House." The conversation went like this. . .

Luke: Then they dropped a bomb on the house!

Addie: What's a bomb?

Luke: It's like the thing they put in guns.

Addie: Like a bowling ball?

Luke: Yeah, that's it. . .

I started laughing and they asked me what was funny. I decided to let them keep their innocence a little longer and not explain what a bomb was. This is just one of the many funny conversations we've been hearing. . .

Addie Singing

When you are pregnant and expecting new life into your home, it's hard to imagine who they will be and what they will be like. One of the things I was hoping for, besides loving Jesus with her whole heart and being healthy, was that she would love music. Well, Addie loves music and she is already learning to worship through music. It always thrills me to hear her praise the Lord with song, and even see her lift her hands in praise. I thought I would share a little bit of our morning praise with all of you . . .

Get Smart

Don't worry, I am not going to start reviewing movies on my blog. I do have to say, go see "Get Smart." It is one of the cleanest and funniest movies that I have seen in years. Last night, I saw the movie again for the second time with Justin and several couples. We had so much fun. We all sat and laughed together, and then laughed together again outside the theater. I never saw the "Get Smart" TV show, a little before my time, but I'm wondering if I should find it on Nick at Nite. If you are looking for a purely funny movie, and tired of seeing all the crude humor, go see "Get Smart."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PK7RSEzP9Q

Adoption Book

Well, Justin and I have been talking about adoption for a year and a half. It's been a long road for us. It will be 3 years this week that we had our first miscarriage followed in 3 months by our ectopic pregnancy which led to all the other problems. I wonder some times if I will ever stop wondering about the children we lost. I know some people believe you will see your unborn children in heaven. I'm not sure if the Bible really talks about it. Somehow for me it's easier to believe the life was never meant to be, and that's why God takes it. Believing the child is supposed to be with us and is not, just makes me feel loss to my very core. It seems like after a miscarriage you are just trying as hard as you can to be pregnant again to fill the void.

Although we are still hoping God blesses us again with another biological child, we've decide to move forward with adoption. My pastor Mark said something which has really resonated with me as we talked with him about our situation. "It will have to be more about the child to be adopted than about your desire to have a child." We need to stop focusing on what we want and remember there are children all over the world who have no parents. Unless we do something, the orphans in our world go without parents. We went to an adoption conference in April from America World Adoptions and it was great. I'll never forget what one of the women said. Their family had 4 biological children, and 5 adopted internationally. The woman went with her older biological daughter to work in the orphanages in China and they fell in love with a special needs little girl. On the plane ride home, the daughter said to her mother, "You know we have to go get her." The woman responded, "I have 8 children! I am too old to be a mother again!." The daughter replied, "What do you think she'd rather have, Old Mom or No Mom?" It pierced my heart.

I've been working on our adoption book, late into the night, the last few nights. It's funny how seeing all the pictures of those we love, and things we've done makes you count your blessings. I am blessed beyond measure, and even through all the hurt, I know He is there whether I like it or not.

Happy Birthday Justin!

Justin celebrated his 33rd birthday yesterday!

We had a very fun day playing his new Wii and going to dinner with friends.

Every birthday I think, I could not love Justin any more than I do right now. Sure we have had hard times, with each other, and just life. I have to say, there is no one else I can imagine sharing this journey with. He is not only my best friend, but he is also the one who sees the worst in me and still loves me. He is my rock, and he keeps me sane and laughing. Through all of these last 10 1/2 years of marriage, we've only learned to love each other more. I thank God for bringing Justin to Belmont for one semester so we could fall in love for a lifetime. I look forward to many more birthdays with him! Justin, you are my world, and I love you.

I'm still alive. . .

We were in Knoxville this past weekend to visit Justin's family and so I could sing in a wedding. The wedding was Sarah Bolinger and Matt Brooks, and it was a beautiful ceremony. It made me feel old. Sarah was in 8th grade when I met her 10 years ago, and was a part of the student ministry at Grace Baptist Church. It was my first real job after college, and Justin and I were married 3 months when I started in March of 1998. I was one of the student ministers and I loved every minute of it. It was a wonderful time for Justin and I, and the wedding was so great because we got to see all those from Grace who are so dear to us. Wayne and Sherry were some of our closest friends from Grace, and it was an honor to sing in their daughter's wedding. Wayne and Sherry taught us so much about life, marriage, and raising teenagers. It was a wonderful night, and it was even more special to share those we love with Addie.

Addie loved spending time with her cousins before and after the wedding. Growing up, we never spent much time with my 2 first cousins. They were an army family and lived in so many places, we never really got many holidays or other special times with them. I'm so thankful Addie knows and loves her cousins. We had a great time swimming, seeing movies, and just being together. As we unpack all the bags and I start the loads and loads of laundry, I will remind myself it was a great weekend. . .

Funny.

Check out my friend, Greg Adkins blog and his new video from his church "Real Men of Jesus." It made me laugh.

http://www.gregadkins.typepad.com/

Summer Cold and Missing Justin

Every summer since I have lived in Tennessee, I have gotten a horrible sinus infection. I hate the way sinus infections drain my energy, clog my head, and just make me feel terrible. It's bad enough to have a sinus infection at all, but I think summer is the worst! Not only that you can't breathe, but you are miserably hot and can't breathe. At least in the winter you can step outside and the cool air helps you breathe more deeply. Not so, in summer.

Thankfully, this is the week I was going to spend with my parents in KY. Addie will be attending their VBS, and I will be able to recover with help. So, really I couldn't have picked a better time to be sick! This leads me to the missing Justin part. Before Justin, I really could just pick up and leave, travel and enjoy myself. I have a little separation anxiety, but mostly I just miss Justin. I love him so much that sometimes I ache for him. Justin is my best friend, and I really enjoy being with him. I really don't like to be away from him at all, and this time it will be a long time away. Maybe it's because we spent 2 years prior to marriage in long distance, but I think it's more just Justin. He's a great husband, father, partner, and so much fun. Life is just better when he's around. I guess the 50 phone calls a day will have to be enough. . .

Pieces of Me

Do you ever feel like you are somehow just a mixture of pieces of other people, memories, and past experiences? It's almost like we are sewn together by the Master with threads of other people woven into our lives. There is one person who was woven into my life long ago, it is Courtney. She owns quite a piece of my heart. We've been friends since we were 8 years old. We've been through childhood, dating, marriage, children, infertility, spiritual questions, family problems, health issues, deaths, and any other thing you can imagine. I can't even express how special it is to have known someone so long and be truly known by them. We call each other "bosom friends" (from Anne of Green Gables). Courtney is certainly not my only bosom friend, but she's been around for most of my life. When I had Addie and other surgeries, she left her family to come take care of us. When I need someone to talk to, she is always there. When my Grandpa passed away, she dropped everything to come and take care of Addie so I could mourn. There is nothing we could do or say to each other, that in the end, we couldn't love each other through. She is my cheerleader, my Barnabas, my rock, and my sister.

I can remember when we would have sleepovers at each others houses and talk until the wee hours of the morning, only to call and talk for hours the next day. Our parents (and now our husbands) would always ask what we had to talk about. I can't even tell you, and I still can't. We still talk for hours at least 2 times a week. We've had great times, honest times, hard times, and quiet times.

I think this is why "Sex in the City," "Friends," "Cheers," and other shows like this are so popular. These shows all had one main thing in common, close friendships. I hope all of you have people in your life who are bosom friends. In this world to have intimacy, usually takes on a sexual connotation. Maybe this is the reason for all the promiscuity, and other problems in this world. People are searching and needing to be known, but in the wrong places for the wrong reasons. It's very sad to me. Intimacy with friends is a chance worth taking. You have to trust, put yourself out there and GIVE! Those who have many friends are those who are friends to many. I'm so thankful for the gift God gave us in friendships, and knowing they are eternal just makes it all the more sweet.

"Two are better than one; because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. (Eccl. 4:9-10)

Happy Birthday Courtney! I love you.

Anger Management.

"If you kick a stone in anger, you hurt your own foot." (proverb)

Well, I came by it honestly from my dad, who got it from his mother, but we all have anger issues. We have what is called a "short fuse." It's one of the things I hate most in myself. Yet, it seems to be something I can't really control. I realize there is probably a pill for it since there is a pill for everything, but I don't want to take any more pills. The one thing that is good about a "short fuse" is I seem to cool off quickly. It doesn't take much to set me off, especially while driving. I try to remind myself how imperfect I am, and believe me, I know I am. However, the anger rises up in me so fast it just spills out and usually hurts the people who I love the most. It's hard to stop a cycle of anger, but I certainly don't want Addie to have the same issues. Thankfully, she really does seem to have Justin's easy going attitude. Justin has really helped me with my anger, and made me much more mellow.

There are times when we should be angry, like injustices in the world. We need our anger to motivate us to change the world. Just as Christ was angered by the money-changers in the temple, we should be fighting for what is right. Maybe it's all about finding the balance.

Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry. ~Lyman Abbott

The 12 Hour Worker

There is a parable in the Bible (Matthew 20:1-16) which used to really upset me. It's the parable about the 12 Hour Worker. The paraphrased version is this, an owner of a vineyard goes out to hire people to work in his vineyard. He goes at the beginning of the day to hire people, agrees to pay a day's wages, and takes them to his field to work. Three hours later he hires more people. Again, 3 hours later he hires even more people, and this repeats again. Finally with only one hour to work, he hires the last group of people. At the end of the day you have several groups of people, those who've worked 12 hours, 9 hours, 6 hours, 3 hours and only 1 hour. The owner of the vineyard lines each worker up and pays them the same amount. A day's wages. He even paid those who worked the longest last. Of course this really upset those who worked 12 hours that they were paid the same as the ones who worked only an hour. The landowner says, "Friend I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don't I have the right to do with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?"

This is a hard pill to swallow. Why would this be fair? Why would they all be paid the same? What does it all mean?

It's important to know the historical reality of the day. You see in Christ's day, work was not guaranteed. The workers would sit out at the beginning of the day and wait and hope they would be chosen and able to feed their families that day. The ones who were hired first had the assurance they would feed their families, had their purpose (working in the fields), knew their reward (pay), and peace knowing it was all going to work out. The ones who were hired later, and especially last, spent the entire day worrying over how they would feed their families, having no purpose but just wasting time, with no peace of mind. Which one would you rather be, the ones busy working, or the ones hoping they are chosen?

Why do I relate to the ones who worked the longest? Possibly pride, but also, because I came to know Christ when I was 8 years old. I have lived it my whole life essentially. My dad is a pastor, and I remember being 15 and seeing an 80 year old woman come to Christ for the first time. I remember foolishly thinking, "Now that's the way to go, live like you want your whole life but still get heaven in the end." The truth is the poor woman lived 80 years without any true purpose, without any assurance of heaven, and no peace in her life. She and I will receive the same ultimate reward, heaven. We can't ever earn our way to heaven. But, I am so glad to be a 12 hour worker, my whole life I have had purpose, peace, and the time to get to know the owner of the vineyard.

Canoe Trip

On Saturday, our Sunday School Class from church went on a canoe trip (9 families). We had so much fun! My parents always took us canoeing every summer, and I have to say it was even more fun than I remembered. The kids had a great time swimming, and we just enjoyed the ride. It makes me wonder why we don't do more things like this. It's always great to be in the outdoors, enjoying nature, and each other. (However, I do NOT camp. Sleeping is for indoors and big, fluffy mattresses.) Although most of us had a great time, there were a few who didn't enjoy the trip (kids). Given, it was really hot, and not a whole lot of action except the splash wars. But, I hope our children are not so overly pampered and spoiled that they can't see the beauty in an afternoon on the river. Maybe we were the same way growing up, but it seems like we've all gotten so addicted to TV, video games, and computer. It would do us all some good to smell the roses, and teach our kids to do the same. My Grandpa was one who taught me how to make memories, and not let time just pass by. When it's all said and done, I hope Addie will remember me with smiles of all the time we spent enjoying each other.

Dead Fish

Well, it's happened again. Our fish is dead. When we went to check on the fish last night after church, we saw her breathing but doing the side float. That's never a good sign. I haven't told Addie just yet, so we'll see how that goes. Once again, we've had a fish less than a week, and it has died. We can't seem to keep them alive, even though we follow all the directions, special water, etc. Thankfully my love of animals does not extend to fish. Maybe I've been burned too many times to put my trust in them. Now we have the dilemma, do we replace the fish? We will see if Addie wants another one, it's not like they are any trouble. But, do we continue our fish genocide? At some point, maybe we should just leave well enough alone, well enough fish that is. . .

Dogs

If you know me, you know how much I love dogs, especially ours. (When I say love, I mean kiss on the mouth, snuggle, baby talk and hug my bulldog.) Gracie is 7 1/2 years old and to think of losing her is more than I can manage. Gracie is a HUGE part of our family. She even occasionally sits in a chair at the table with us for meals, and we love to play with her. She makes us laugh with her silly personality. Gracie is really my first dog. My parents let us have dogs when we were little, but they stayed outside and really, after I was about 8 years old, we never got another one. My sister loves her dogs like I do. I have several friends who don't like dogs. I really don't understand it. In certain situations it has actually offended me when they treat Gracie with apathy. What makes some of us feel like dogs are family, and others want nothing to do with them? Any thoughts?