Do you still love me?

My precious child asked me this question yesterday. I felt less than an inch tall in that moment. Addie is a very tender-hearted 4 year old, and really has a desire to please, especially me. It all started as we went to the YMCA pool near my parents' house. She was having a good time swimming and decided she didn't want to use her goggles. Instead of bringing them to me, she just set them on the side of the pool. Well, someone else found them. I was more upset than usual, due to my "mean pills." I told her of how leaving something behind, means others may take our belongings. I gave her the speech about how things cost money, and we would now need to buy more for her. I know I laid it on too thick. Several hours later she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and asked, "do you still love me?" I asked her why she would even say this to me, and she said one word, "goggles." I almost cried. It gave me the opportunity to tell her about unconditional love. I told Addie, "no matter what you do, Mommy will always love you. You can never do anything that will make me stop loving you." I remembered again, how God feels the same about us, and He deals with much worse than leaving goggles on the side of the pool. Lord, please help me see things in this perspective.

Garage Sales, Mean Pills, and Memories

Well, Mom and I are doing another one tomorrow, a garage sale that is. Every year we vow that this will be our last one, but it never is. It seems like a lot of work hauling all your junk, pricing your memories, and bartering with people over a quarter. I guess it's all very American, but it somehow brings out the worst in me. To see people look through your memories and junk, and decide how much it's worth to them, is more than I can take at times. Especially since my OB/GYN put me on Clomid to ensure I ovulate each month with my only ovary. The Clomid, or as we call it, my "mean pills" sends me right over the edge. It also moves the edge a whole lot closer for me. Hopefully, at the end of the day, we will make a little money, and no enemies. We'll see. . .

Addie's Funny Sayings

Ok, so Justin says the blog is all too heavy and sad. Here's the funny things Addie has been saying. . .

When we told her to say she was sorry to her best friend, Macy, “Macy took the sorry right out of my voice.”

“Nu-uh Mimi.” said Addie
“What does Nu-uh mean Addie?” said Mimi.

"It is the Spanish word for no,” Addie replied matter-of-factly.

“Aunt Shawn, do you have a hot date tonight?” Addie asked.

“No, not tonight.” Shawn replied.
“Well, I have a hot evening! Macy is coming over to play!”

One day as I was talking on speaker phone to my sister, Shawn, she was telling me she was having trouble keeping her horses out of the hay in the barn.

Addie said, "I know what to do Aunt Shawn."

"What's that Addie?" Shawn asked.

"You just need to make a 'No!' sign." Addie replied.

“My Bible can’t get broken because it is true.” She said about her well-worn Bible.

Losing a Mom

Well, sorry to be so morbid, but it's on my mind lately with all of the tragedies. One of my friends from church recently lost her mom to cancer, while pregnant with her first child. I really can't even imagine losing my mom. Her birthday is tomorrow, and we will get to spend it with her. There is nothing my mom would not do for me. I talk to my mom every day, and she is a huge part of my life. We were out to dinner with friends a couple weeks ago, and one of my other friends talked about losing her mom to cancer at age 22. She said you never really get over it. She said it steals joy out of every occasion. Anything good is overshadowed by not being able to share it with her mom. Finding out she was pregnant, having her children, parenting, needing advice, needing help, all of this without a Mom. I will hug my Mom all the more tightly tomorrow.

My Grandpa's Eulogy

How can you say thank you to man to whom you owe so much? He is one of those guys everyone loves and wishes He was their friend. He is my friend. I am privileged to say he is my Grandpa. He is the best of men.

In the summers, we always rode horses at least once a day, fished, went exploring through the woods. Our exploring trips Shawn and I would walk through the woods holding his hand while he’d tell us stories. We’d swing on grape vines, and he would pull down tree saplings for us to ride like a horse. We’d light fires up by Silver’s pond and cook hot dogs. I can remember riding in the tractor as he harvested corn and driving the truck while we picked up the bailed hay. One of our favorite things to do was to go frog giggin.’ Somehow, I was always the one to hold the frogs in the bread bags Grandma gave us. Each night we spent with them when we were little Shawn and I would sleep on either side of Grandpa and giggle until it was really late.

I have always feared his death. Even though I knew he would spend eternity in heaven, I just never knew how I could make it here without him. With all the serious health issues from the open-heart surgery, the black lung, the partial lung removal, he seemed to always fight back. I remember many times over the last 15 years when I’d be staying at their house, and I would crawl into their bedroom while they were asleep just to listen until I could hear him breathe. You see in my 31 years he has been a permanent fixture in my life. I can’t imagine a night with Grandpa without a Rook game where he’d say “I’ve got a hand like a foot” or a summer without hearing “are we gonna catch ole fighter this time Tif baby?” It was never about the fishing for me. It was always about having my Grandpa for hours on end just talking. The fishing was fun too. He was always so busy baiting my hooks that he never fished much himself! We used to have fun “jug” fishing, chasing those old jugs all over the pond and having the surprise of whatever was on the other end.

He was a friend to all. Even though he has only one son, he has been like a father to so many. He loved my Grandma deeply, for almost his whole life, and fought to stay with her until the end. He was a man of few regrets. He lived his life making every day count. He taught us not just about life, but how to live it. He spent so much time investing in us, loving us, enjoying us. He was never in a hurry. I can not think of one time when he was too busy for us. Whether we were just sitting there with him while he fixed a tractor, or sitting on the back porch: just to be near him was a gift. We looked forward to every time we could be with Grandpa and Grandma. He never left anything unsaid with us. We always knew how much we were loved and how deeply. He taught us how to love, how to be a friend, and how to make memories. One time when he was sick several years ago he said, “We’ve done it all, Tif baby, haven’t we?” Yes, Grandpa we have. And when I get up there, we’ll do it all, all over again. I remember being 16 and believing that maybe when I was 30, I could handle his death. I would beg God each year for just one more year with him. I know now, however much time I have had with him it could never be enough. That’s what heaven is for.

Haskall Travis (November 7, 1924-August 27, 2006)

We went to the beach (Destin, FL) a few weeks ago with my family. Addie kept hiding her Polly Pocket dolls in the sand, as a game. We were supposed to find them. One day a seagull came swooping down a stole a Polly Pocket doll off our blanket. Justin chased after the bird, and the bird flew off and dropped it into the ocean. . .

Justin and I planned a treasure hunt one night for Addie. We made a map, stained it with tea, burned it to make it look old. We wrote clues on it, and we took it to the beach to look for a treasure, my parents hid for us. We had so much fun. Addie was so excited to open her treasure box with pretend money, ring pops, and princess jewelry. We now will probably have to do this every time we go to the beach until she realizes it is us. Too fun.

Life Purpose

My husband, Justin and I have been talking a lot about our life purpose. We don't want to be like the world, just chasing after more and more money. I think God is getting ready to reveal a new purpose or direction for our lives. For the last 3 years, it has been suffering, loss, infertility, and struggles to find His perfect plan for our family. I'm ready to be done with all of that. I need to be done with all of it. I want to live my life worthy of Christ. I want to find why I am here, apart from being a wife and Mom. We've talked about moving to my Grandparents farm and building an energy efficient home, and really start over. It seems like we live with the "keeping up with the Jones'" world here, and I want no part of it. I really don't want my 4 year old daughter, Addie to live her life that way. So, we can live in the midst of it all, and teach her another way to live, or we can move to a place where it is not so prevelant. Big changes. We will see what God does.