Blue Christmas . . .

Two weeks before Christmas we got the unexpected news that we were pregnant. It was so exciting, but we were fearful knowing our past history and hearing the Dr.'s warnings. We knew we were high risk for miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and just numerous things to go wrong. Well, after two weeks of close monitoring, we found we will be having another miscarriage. No explanation, no reason, no hope. It is always devastating to receive this kind of news, but especially 2 days before Christmas. We managed to enjoy at least some of the holidays with Addie and our families, but we are still hurting very deeply. This has been quite a journey of 3 1/2 years of pain trying to have a second child. We had our first miscarriage in July 2005, followed by an ectopic pregnancy in September 2005 that rendered me unable to conceive again. In July 2006 we tried IVF and it failed, followed by a frozen IVF cycle which failed in February 2007. I had corrective surgery in September 2007, and it has taken us over a year of trying to conceive. Our application for adoption is still open, and we have no idea what will happen next. We had hoped this was the end of this journey, but it is not. . .

Snow, Snow, Snow! (Sung as on White Christmas)

It's the most wonderful time of the year! (or so they tell me) This Christmas season started a little ba-humbug for me this year. Although I love Christmas, I really don't like all the busyness and crowds, and even less the pressure to be thoughtful for all of our families! Last night was one of the first times this season I felt ready for Christmas. There is just something about snow! It seems to me we had more snow growing up in Kentucky and Missouri than here, so I appreciate it so much when we actually get some! Our puppy George loves the snow, and it was his first time. He is so funny as he pushes the snow together with his paws and then slides. While it was coming down last night he kept glancing at his back to see what was landing on him. Then he spends the rest of the time trying to get Addie's mittens as we both giggle. I'm looking forward to watching "White Christmas" and snuggling up to cocoa and a fire this weekend.

In all the traditions we have for ourselves and our families, it's so easy to forget what we celebrate. I have tried to drill it in Addie's head the real meaning of Christmas. We have really enjoyed watching the movie "The Nativity Story" as it gives such a real picture of what it was like for Mary and Joseph all those years ago. The wonder of how God became flesh, and dwelt among us should still astound us. The All-Sufficient God coming as a helpless baby, trusting the very people who have let Him down countless times, should still astound us. I will pray God astounds me this year as we retell the Christmas story and remember it was all for us.

A Sick Child

Addie has been sick since Friday morning and today is Sunday afternoon. It has been the terrible stomach virus that will not go away. She has had high fever, throwing up and diarrhea. To give you an idea of how bad she feels, she's actually asked us a few times while laying on the couch to just turn off the TV! She said once while throwing up, "Mommy when I throw up, it's just the worst of my life!" It really is. She has had horrible diarrhea with this and we have put towels down on the couch and in the bed. Addie came into the room and our bulldog had made herself comfortable on the couch, and Addie said, "Mommy, Gracie is sitting on my toot towel!" I just had to laugh.

Through the last few days, I am reminded of how much I take her health for granted. Addie is almost never sick. The times we have been at Children's hospitals, I see so many young children with much worse things. We have friends whose children have life altering illnesses, and even those we know who have lost children. I cannot even imagine.

Being very analytical, it makes me wonder how God feels in these circumstances. I have felt a little like I think He must feel these last few days. I wish I could take Addie's pain, her fever and even throw up for her. I wish I could hurt for her so she wouldn't have to hurt. If I did that, what lesson would she or Justin and I learn? If our lives were only easy, would we ever look for a Father who can do all we ask or imagine? Probably not.

So while I go clean up the mess on the floor, on the walls, and in the toilet, I will remind myself how very blessed I am to have a healthy child.