When to say "When"?

I'm not sure if I know the answer to my title. In a month, it has been 4 years now since our very first miscarriage in July 2005 which started our journey toward another child. We have applied for adoption and had 2 young ladies consider us. They chose other families. We have had genetic testing to see if there is a reason for our 3 miscarriages. (We are waiting on the results.) Addie will turn 6 in September and starts Kindergarten in August. A few of my friends have said, do you really want to go all the way back to babies? Some days I am not sure. Others have said, "don't give up! They will have a special relationship." The truth of the matter is I want Addie to have the joy of a sibling and the sibling relationship especially in adulthood. Of all the trials and heartaches, I know one thing. I am not in charge of her destiny or even my own. I know God controls our answer, whether the result is in another child or not. So, do we give up? How much more money do we throw at what may not be God's choice for us? We have options, with adoption, in vitro fertilization, insemination, and of course, continuing to try on our own. But, when does it end? Will we know when we've tried enough? I don't know. How much farther do we go? We will of course keep our adoption options open, and pray God answers us. What if He does not answer us with a child? A child we have prayed for earnestly for 4 years. I know His ways are better, it's just so hard to let go of what you want.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New Living Translation)
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Beach

This was our 4th year in a row to Destin, Florida with my parents. It was a rough trip getting to Destin, as we had a flat tire on the way. It made us lose about 2 hours going down, which made the LONG trip even longer. We had to have the tire patched and while they changed the tire, the jack was put in the wrong place so we have a dent on our new van again. This was also our first time to take one of our dogs, so all the extra commotion was made more difficult. We were spoiled with having the built in DVD player you can play Wii on, as well as it giving us a chance to watch our movies on the portable one. Finally, after we arrived and unloaded everything, I dropped our digital camera on the ground heading to the beach. It wouldn't even turn on after this! This was a very expensive vacation!

Once again, the beach did not disappoint us! We decided to take our nephew, Luke, with us this year. Luke and Addie are very close and we knew they would have a great time together. The first day, we got a little nervous as Luke asked to go to the pool after being at the beach for only 30 minutes! We figured out they enjoy the boogie boards, and that kept us at the beach for many hours. We also jet skiied on the ocean, went to the Track to ride go carts and bumper boats, took a pirate cruise, and shopped! Justin and I discovered how much fun snorkeling is! One day he was out snorkeling and a dolphin swam very close to him. He never saw them but heard their squeaks. I was out on my boogie board and came within 20 feet of them. It was AMAZING! It was a fantastic vacation, and it went by much too quickly. Now we have the vacation blues. . .

Only Child. . .

Last night we went for a walk in our neighborhood, which we do almost every evening we are home. We take the dogs, and sometimes Addie rides her bike. We have special rocks we always stop to play on, one is the stage rock where we do "shows" and the other is a "pirate ship" rock. On our walk last night we ran into neighbors who have a 4 year old and 8 month old twins. Addie watched as the older sister doted on the twins. When we got home, we sat on the back porch in our swing and talked. For the very first time in all our years of struggling, Addie said, "Mommy, I don't want to be an only child." It just pierced my heart. I have no idea what God's plan is for our family, and I know His ways are best. In the almost 4 years of pain and loss, Addie had never expressed her desire for a sibling. When we would ask her if she wanted a baby brother or sister, she would always say yes. But, this was the first time without being asked she stated her feelings. I am hoping this is God preparing us for a child, and not just Addie being old enough to realize what is happening. Only time will tell . . .

Spring/Easter

It was an eventful Spring both at church and at home. We were able to spend last week with both Justin's and my family. Last weekend, Justin's family came and we got to spend some great time with them. It was a FUN time. We went to see "Monsters vs. Aliens," went shopping at Opry Mills, played tennis, cheered at Addie's soccer game, saw the live show of "Llama, Llama Red Pajama" at the library, and stayed up very late. It's always fun to do a sleepover with the cousins, although there is not too much sleep for them.

This week we were able to be with my family at my parents' house. On the way, God protected us from a very frightening experience. As I was driving on the interstate, a man in front of me drove over a huge piece of metal. It looked like someone's fender. As he drove over it with his back tire, it sent it flying into our new minivan! It hit the hood first and then our windshield blocking my vision. It made a very loud sound, and I thought for sure it would shatter the glass. I screamed, and looked back at Addie who was still watching her movie and didn't even notice! After taking it to the Toyota place, they said the repair would be $1700! We turned it into our car insurance, and so we only paid the deductible. We are so grateful!

The Easter Bunny visited us at my parents' house on Saturday. (We are trying to keep Easter Sunday just for Jesus, so the Easter Bunny comes early at our house.) Addie found part of the Easter Bunny's tail coming out of a door (a stretched piece of cotton), and she was just so excited about it. After the Easter Egg hunt at my parents' we had a great meal and time together.

I wanted to share some pictures from the last few weeks so here they are . . .

End of the Beginning

Easter is one of the most glorious times of the year for me. It forces me to remember the details of what I celebrate each day, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Each year I try to read the last week of Christ from the gospels from Palm Sunday until Easter so I am ready for Easter! Reading through the crucifixion always just sickens me, but that's not the end! I will never forget one Easter Sunday at Grace Baptist Church (in Knoxville, TN) when our choir sang "End of the Beginning." The congregation walked into a dark sanctuary and the music to the song began. It stayed dark until we sang, "Three days later, three days later, three days later. . ." They showed the video of the stone rolling away and then all the lights came up so bright and we sang "He Rose." Imagine 300 voices singing, "He ROSE!" on Easter Sunday. The crowd errupted with applause, cheers, tears, and celebration. Now, imagine how much greater it will be in heaven. Enjoy the song, but more importantly celebrate the message!

Addie's First Soccer Game!

Well, we have tried gymnastics, swimming, and done several outdoor things with Addie, but never an organized sport. Addie was sick for her first practice, got rained out of another practice and game, and the coach was out of town for the other practice. We showed up at the field having no training in soccer, other than last summer's soccer camp and Justin's kicking it around with her. This was a recipe for a difficult game. I discovered lots of things about Addie and myself at this first soccer game.

1. I am very competitive, and it hurts a little to see your child running 20 feet away from the ball with no idea what to do.

2. Addie knows how to kick the ball, but it is a completely different thing to add 8 other people trying to kick the same ball and expect her to kick it too.

3. As much as you think you have shown your child how to play, there is no teacher as good as experience.

4. Peacemakers don't make the best soccer players. But, I'll take the peacemaker any day of the week.

5. I found myself wishing my parents had let me play soccer at age 5, but knowing then what I know now (how to play soccer). Wow, I could really be good if that happened!

6. I need to be very careful to enjoy the time, and let go of any frustration I might feel. It's not the Olympics after all!

All in all, it was a fun day and we saw great improvement in the hour she played. We look forward to many more soccer games and are so proud of her. If ever you are feeling down, I highly recommend watching a little league soccer game. It is quite amusing, and you'll be surprised at what you learn.

Wilderness at the Smokies

This past weekend was the start of a week long vacation for Justin. We were supposed to be getting the house ready to be put on the market. Since we decided not to sell, we went to the Wilderness at the Smokies with Justin's family. It is a new resort in Sevierville, just before you hit the craziness of Pigeon Forge, that has an indoor and soon outdoor water park. There is a baby/toddler area that has slides, teeter totter, and swings. Next is a hot tub pool, that is very relaxing. Our nephews enjoyed the surf area, where you ride a boogie board and it simulates surfing. The pictures at the bottom show the wave pool, and the climbing area. My favorite part was the water slides! There was one slide unlike any I have ever been on. It was a 4 person slide with a HUGE drop into a 2 story funnel. You just swirled around the sides until you eventually slid down to the bottom. It was GREAT! (The 7 flights of stairs to it were not as great.) Even with a fever, Addie enjoyed the time very much! The only trouble we had at the resort was keeping track of everyone!