Tiff's Blog

Only God. . .

2011-02-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

We found out this week due to our tax return, our adoption was completely FREE. Only God could give us the most precious, amazing little girls for FREE! We are not only thankful to our amazing God, but also to our government who gives a tax credit for adoption! The adoption credit per child is around $13000. This credit is given dollar for dollar back on EVERYTHING you spend for adoption: court fees, agency fees, social workers, etc. They even give tax credits for failed adoptions! I wanted to share this for any of you who are considering adoption, and are concerned with the cost. You do have to spend the money, but the next year you will receive dollar for dollar back up to $13000 per child! I was brought to tears when I realized after spending $25000 on infertility treatments, surgeries, and testing, our precious adoption was FREE. Wow. Only God . . .

One year ago . . .

2010-12-13T09:13:00.000-08:00

It was December 14, 2009 when we got the call that would change our lives forever. I will never forget the moment. . . Addie and I were playing Wii in the bonus room. I had just put color on my hair, because I decided I wanted my hair to be a little darker. The phone rang and the caller ID said “Mercy Ministries.” I believed they were calling to ask for a year-end donation and almost didn’t answer the phone. I’m so glad I did. It was Joy Graham, and she asked me how our international adoption plan was going. After waiting more than a year to be chosen by a birth mom, we decided to try an international plan. I explained to Joy we were waiting on one final paper and then we would be locked in to Bulgarian adoption. She proceeded to tell me, a birth mom had chosen us! I was in complete shock. She explained about the baby having a kidney issue, and about the birth mom’s story. After a 20 minute conversation, she dropped the bigger news, it was TWINS! I had to sit down for that one. We then made a plan to talk with the birth mom later that week in a conference call.

There I was, color dripping from my hair with Addie’s big brown eyes staring up at me and asking, “Mommy, what was that?” I explained to her about the call, and a birth mom choosing us. Her response was, “You mean she chose ME to be the big sister.” It was precious. The first phone call was to Justin, who was on call at the hospital. He was in surgery and could not answer, so I called one of my best friends from college who had adopted twice from Mercy Ministries. We talked for a little while, and then Justin called. He was nervous, but excited. It was then; I realized my hair had turned black from leaving the color on for too long.

The next few weeks are a blur. We met the birth mom for lunch, had phone calls, and spent some time with her. We loved her instantly. God connected so many of our stories, and we knew His hand was all over our times. After Olivia and Emily were born, she struggled again with her decision to place. The pain and agony of seeing your two beautiful babies raised, loved, and adored by someone else was just too much. We prayed diligently for her and asked God for His will to be done in all of our lives. After a week, she made her decision. She walked into the office at Mercy and said, “I know that I know that I know the girls are supposed to be theirs.” Our birth mom is an amazing woman, who has given us something more wonderful than I could ever imagine giving anyone. It is just indescribable how much love, appreciation, gratefulness, and respect we have for her. She is our hero.

After 4 ½ LONG years of failed IVFs, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, corrective surgery, and loss, THIS was our answer. The answer God had all along. If we had only known that all the tears and pain and loss was not for nothing. He was just waiting to give us HIS answer. The road of waiting is so painful. It was the hardest time in our lives. We spent so much time wondering if Addie would ever have a sibling, if God would ever answer our prayers. When we held our precious girls for the first time, all the PAIN was washed away in one moment. God is good. For any of you walking through dark and painful valleys, please remember, it is not the end of the story. It is just the road leading to His perfect plan.

DisneyWorld and SeaWorld 2010

2010-10-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

Last Christmas our gift to Addie was a trip to Disney World which we were supposed to take January 6-10, 2010. As I picked Addie up from school the day before our flight left for Orlando, Addie complained of a headache. This is Addie language for FEVER. We got home, and I took her temp and it was 103. Ugh. Strep throat again. Thankfully, I had paid for trip insurance and we got ALL of our money back except the insurance money ($150). The problem was we were hoping the twins would be born soon and with my elective surgery there was no time to go before I was healed and they were born. I didn't know if either of our families would be able to care for twin infants! It's not easy. I called my best friend, Courtney, who's been my bestie since we were 8 years old. In tears, I spoke of how we needed one more trip just the 3 of us, before our lives changed forever! I shared my hesitations about leaving twin infants for anyone to care for. She spoke up and said, "I'll keep them for you guys!" Really? Who is that selfless? Courtney. It didn't even occur to me she would offer us such a gift, but I'm so thankful she did. Justin's parents bravely kept the girls for 2 nights and 2 days, and then Courtney drove 4 hours from Missouri to take care of the girls for 3 days. She is an amazing friend, and I am so blessed to have had her in my life all these years! The best part is God knew we needed the trip more NOW than we did in January. Addie needed time with just us, and it was a wonderful trip. I know we appreciated it more now, than we would have in January.

Now, to Disney World. We flew into Orlando last Tuesday evening and got to our resort at 10:15 pm central time. They informed us our luggage would arrive 2 hours later!!! That's the Disney not so "Magical" express. We got up fairly early the next day, excited to see the parks! We headed to Hollywood Studios (formerly MGM), and rode everything and saw all the shows with no more than a 15 minute wait!!! It was crazy fun. We also got to hang out with Lisa (Shoaf) Essmyer, a friend from high school and her friend Ted. We had a BLAST! Addie loved the new Toy Story ride and meeting Woody. She was 1 centimeter too short for the Rockin' Aerosmith roller coaster. She was so sad. Addie would NOT ride Tower of Terror. I think the title got to her. We stayed at that park until 4 pm and then headed back to our resort for a rest of 2 hours. Then, it was on to Epicot (that's what Addie calls Epcot). We got to spend more time with Lisa and Ted, which was so fun! We also rode Addie's favorite ride, Soarin'. It's really great! We stayed out until 12 am!

On Thursday, my birthday, we went to Animal Kingdom park. We all really enjoy this park, and it's a close second to Magic Kingdom. The Safari is so great, and we got Addie on her first BIG roller coaster which was Expedition Everest! We gave Addie 2 vetoes for rides and after she used them she had to try anything she was tall enough for. I still had to bribe her with $10, but after she rode it she was not afraid to ride all the others! Money well spent. Justin and I like our roller coasters! After a long day of Animal Kingdom, we headed back to the resort to get into costume for the Mickey's Halloween Party at Magic Kingdom! For those of you who don't know about the parties at Magic Kingdom, they are totally worth the extra money! They have a cap on how many people can purchase tickets to these parties, so you can ride everything with NO line! It's fabulous and the parades are better too. I really think when we go back to Disney World it will be either for the Christmas party or the Halloween party. (Just before Christmas is still my favorite time there!) We stayed out again until 12 am! (For those of you keeping track that's 3 nights out until after 12 am. Does that mean I'm a cool mom or the worst mom ever? I'm not sure.)

On Friday, we spent most of the day again at Magic Kingdom, and then we hung out at the resort pool and I read a book. Aaaahhhh. Saturday was Sea World and we were pretty disappointed overall. The Shamu show was really short and not nearly as great as it was 4 years ago. I know the trainer's death really affected this park. There were two really great roller coasters! There was one called the "Manta" and it was by far the scariest one I've ever been on! You should check it out. On Sunday we flew home. I was so glad to be home. I really missed my babies.

All in all, the trip was amazing. The only downside was our resort. We will likely NOT stay on property again, unless we choose a deluxe resort. When we stayed at Wilderness Lodge, we loved it. But, the lines were WAAAAAY to long at the parks just to get back to the Carribean Beach Resort, and then we had 6 bus stops to our building. Ugh. There are many things I have issues with at Disney World. I don't like lines, crowds, people stopping directly in front of you for no reason, waiting, strollers hitting my heels, and paying $14 to PARK after paying $80+ per person just to get in! Justin and I talked about the expenses several times while we were there. We both agreed to staff all the characters, street cleaners, ride operators, vendors, waiters, etc, it must cost a fortune to pay employees! Then there's the fireworks, electricity, ride upkeep, etc. I guess you get what you pay for (minus our resort), and we are so grateful we got to go. The most priceless time for me was while Addie and I walked one night, she expressed how thankful she was to spend the time with us. In all the 6 months we've had the twins, she's never complained, cried, begged for attention, or been angry with her sisters. She has been amazing, and so much more wonderful than we hoped she'd be. Our little girl prayed for a brother or sister for 3 years, and God answered. Addie's heart is huge, and I am so thankful to be her Mommy.

Relieved, but a little sad . . .

2010-09-03T05:14:00.000-07:00

On Friday August 20 as I was driving the carpools girls home, I got a call. I didn't recognize the number, but I knew it was a Missouri number after living there 1/2 my life. It was an attorney in Washington, MO, to whom we had sent our adoption profile. After we adopted the twins, we pulled our profiles from 3 attorneys who had our profile, but I just couldn't remember the attorney's name in Missouri. First, she asked me how our adoption plan was going. I replied, "Great! We adopted twin baby girls in March!" She was happy for us, but she called because a birth mom in Chattanooga wanted to look at our profile. Not only this, but she wanted to overnight our profile within the hour! Wow. Really? It was one of those moments where your heart stops. Deep breath. I knew Justin was doing surgery and couldn't be reached, so I had to decide right then. My questions were:

1. Can we handle another baby when the twins would only be 12 months old? TRIPLE stroller? Oh my.
2. How would we even get a pumpkin seat in the back seat of the van? They're heavy enough now!
3. Can we afford another baby? (Babies aren't cheap, and neither is adoption!)
4. What if this is God's child for our family? Oh.

The last question hit me hard. You see, I almost said "no" to my beautiful, wonderful, God-given twin baby girls. I thought we were headed to Bulgaria! But, where would our family be without those little ladies? My answer was simple. Trust God. My perfect little family's picture in my head had already been changed. In my dreams we would be a family of 4, with two biological children who were two years apart, and live happily ever after. God said "NO" in a big way as we suffered through years of expensive infertility, finally choosing adoption. Then God chose for us twins, which I never thought I could handle! I am beyond thankful for my baby girls, and I know it was God's plan all along. So now, who was I to tell God what my family should be? He knows WHO is supposed to be in our family so much more than me.

A couple of days ago, we received word from the attorney in Missouri. She said the birth mom had chosen another family. I have to say a BIG part of me was relieved. Not because I don't ever want to adopt again, but because our hands are so full right now. Another part of me was sad. Crazy you say? After wanting babies for 4 1/2 years, the desperation I had felt turned into the joy we experienced with adopting the twins. It's hard to explain how much we felt the presence of the Lord during and after the adoption process. It's His heart, and now it's mine too. The question now is will we adopt again? Maybe.

Back To School

2010-08-23T05:25:00.001-07:00

I can't believe Addie is starting her first full week of 1st Grade today. Wow. Where does the time go? I don't know who was more disappointed about school starting, Addie or me. There's something wonderful about summertime. A schedule is not something I require for daily life. The ease of summer days, waking up late and having leisure time is something we all enjoy. Our summer was terrific. There's also a realization when school starts for me about how much older Addie is getting. I know I should not be sad to send a healthy, bright girl to school each year. The years are just flying by, and there's no way to slow them down. I remember when people would tell me as I cried dropping Addie off on her first day of preschool, how fast the time would go. It has. Painfully so. I checked a book out of the library this past Sunday called, "Let me hold you a little longer" by Karen Kingsbury. It included a CD of the author reading the book. It's a good thing, because I couldn't read it myself without crying. The book says in the first pages . . .

Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts:

First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away and leave me to your past,

And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts . . .

The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips. . . (insert weeping here)

The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip. . .

Let's just say it was ugly here, with Justin and I both getting emotional. Addie said, "Mommy, don't be sad, I won't go to college for a VERY long time." I know it's true we have 12 more years before we make that drive to college to LEAVE her there. Ugh. But, I also know how fast these first 6 years have flown. The book has made me appreciate all these last with the twins, and also hug my little girl tighter each day.

3 Days of Solitude

2010-07-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, my worst fear was to be alone. I guess in some ways it still is. However, these last 3 days in our home by myself have been wonderful. I've only teared up a couple of times missing Justin and the girls. The plan was for me to travel with Justin to Knoxville this weekend to visit his family. On Tuesday, I started feeling rough. I finally went to the Dr. on Friday after a severe night of pain on Thursday. Turns out I have a bacterial GI infection or a flare up of diverticulitis. Not fun. We decided with my constant trips to the bathroom, a trip with twins would be a bad idea. So, Justin offered to take Addie and the twins to Knoxville BY HIMSELF! I have to give him a lot of credit, this was not a trip even I wanted to try by myself. I have gone 2 times to my parents by myself but that's only 1 1/2 hours away. After convincing me he would be fine, I gave in and they have had a great trip. Addie was worried about leaving me at home alone while I was sick. Before I woke up on Friday morning, she called my Mom and asked her to come take care of me over the weekend. It was the kindest gesture to have your child try to take care of you. I'm so thankful for her thoughtfulness.

During my 3 days of solitude, I read 3 fiction books, watched a movie, watched Food network, walked the dogs, went to church, talked to Justin and Addie on the phone MANY times, and didn't take a shower for 24 hours. Here are the things I did NOT miss during my 3 days: cooking, making bottles, keeping a schedule, timing feedings, having to make decisions for everyone else, listening to a baby monitor, washing bottles, changing diapers, being BUSY, and crying girls. Things I DID miss: kisses, hugs, coos, laughs, smiles, love, talks, snuggles, conversation, watching all my babies sleep, and companionship. Justin and my girls will be heading home tomorrow, and I can't wait to get my arms around each of them! The worst part besides being away from them is knowing my whole world is in that car. As I pray for their safety, I will say a prayer of thanks for the 3 days I desperately needed.

The Adoption Option

2010-06-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

Adoption has changed our lives and the lives of so many around us. We have friends who have adopted from Taiwan, Uganda, Ethiopia, Russia, South Korea, Vietnam, Guatemala, and the USA. Growing up in a small town, I had not heard too much about adoption. I knew two people at my school who were adopted, one domestic and one Korean. After seeing how both adopted children treated their parents, I decided adoption would not be an option for me. (insert chuckles here) Of course, like so many other things, God would change my heart.

Addie and I were talking the other day about Bulgaria, and she said she wanted to go there for another sibling. My Grandma heard her and said, "You don't NEED any more kids." As she said it, I realized she does not get it like so many. I politely explained, it's not about what I need, it's about what a child on the other side of the world growing up without a family needs. You see it's not about me. It never was. It's the Lord's story, and we can choose to tell it through our lives or live for ourselves. We have fooled ourselves into a comfortable life, and decided what we can afford and what we can handle. I am more guilty than most. I had hardened my heart for adoption until one of my dearest friends from college adopted two beautiful boys from Mercy Ministries. Now, I have felt God's hand and His leading so strongly through this process, that I want everyone to experience it!

There is a song called "Albertine" by Brook Fraser. The song has a line which has haunted me for a long time. It says, "Now that I have seen, I am responsible." Once God removes the scales from your eyes and shows you something, it's impossible to not be changed. God has shown us orphanages, faces of beautiful children who may never call anyone "Mom" or "Dad." We have seen the poverty, the despair, and the sadness and hopelessness in their eyes. It breaks my heart to know some children will never find a family. It reminds me of the story of the Good Samaritan. "Godly" and "Righteous" people saw the man beaten and battered and passed by on the other side. It was only the Samaritan who saw and DID something! I've talked to many of our friends who have adopted, and the hardships in adoption we have all faced. The one common thread is the hand of God, and feeling His presence. We would all do it all over again.

We went to an adoption conference while we were looking at different agencies and we heard a woman speak. Her words were burned into my heart. She had four biological children, and had adopted 3 more from China. Her biological children were in their late 20s and her adopted children were in their teens. The Mom and the oldest daughter went on a mission trip to China to work in an orphanage. They met a special needs 5 year old girl, and they fell in love with her. They knew she would have a very difficult time being chosen. On the plane ride home, the older daughter said to the Mom, "you know we have to go get her right?" The Mom said, " I already have 7 children! Besides, I'm TOO OLD!" The daughter looked at her mom and said, "What do you think she'd rather have, old Mom or NO Mom?" Wow. They went back and adopted her.

I don't know if the Lord will lead us to adopt again and go to Bulgaria. I only know I am changed and so thankful for the journey.

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in My name welcomes Me." Matthew 18:5

TWO babies. . .

2010-04-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

Wow. Our lives have changed. On March 29, we brought home Olivia Blakely and Emily Catherine. It was a very emotional day for all of us. We arrived at Mercy Ministries around 3:00 in the afternoon, and walked into a room where the birth mom was holding both girls with tears streaming down her face. A beautiful picture of God's love and grace, as she handed the girls to us. There were so many emotions going through all of us as we hugged, cried, prayed, and talked. We all knew this day was coming, a day mixed with joy and sadness. The day represented an end for our beautiful birth mom, as this was the last time she could ever change her mind. She was very sure of her decision, but her love for Emily and Olivia was so deep. The pain she must have felt was so profound. Out of her love and her sacrifice, she handed us our beautiful twin daughters. Her parents had written us wonderful letters, explaining how they felt about her decision. They described losing their first grandchildren and how deep their pain was, but also joy, knowing they were coming home with us. Her parents supported her wholeheartedly but it was not without pain. In the short time they spent with the twins in the hospital, they fell in love, like all grandparents too. The sacrifice was theirs too. Here is an excerpt from my letter to the birth mom, which I gave her that day. . .

I am beyond grateful for how you have touched our lives forever. I pray you never feel as though you are not a part of the girls’ lives. We want to share their lives as much with you and your family as we can. We are so excited to get Emily and Olivia home today. We have waited for this day for almost 5 long years. All of our prayers have been answered in your indescribable gift. We have hurt for so many years and wondered why God had not given us an answer for our loss and our grief. If we had only known all those years ago, He had another plan for us. A plan we could never dream of or dare to hope for. It had to be His way, His time, His heart, and His perfect plan. He brought us all together not just for this time, but for this life and our beautiful forever with Him.

Now, for today. . . These first couple of weeks have been fun, crazy, busy, joyful, exhausting, HARD, and overwhelming. There have been days when I have asked Justin, why did God think we could handle TWO babies? As many of you know, the second child always seems easier with the perspective of having done it before. However, TWO is a whole new experience. We are so grateful to the foster families who did so much of the hard stuff, since we got them at 2 months old! They were already on a schedule and used to sleeping at night. I am also so thankful I am not recovering from a C-section again. We are experiencing new joys each day. It is fun to see the girls smile at each other and us, and we can't wait to hear them laugh. They are wonderful little girls. Addie is a terrific Big sister, as we knew she would be. I keep waiting for her to have an emotional break down over the changes in her life. So far, she has been wonderful. Please keep us in your prayers as our help begins to fade, and we try to become the family of 5 God planned for us to be. Thank you for all the outpouring of love and support with meals, gifts, and help. We couldn't do it without you!

A Crazy Time

2010-03-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions and events. Since we met our beautiful twin girls, we have been able to visit with them each week at least once or twice. I did forget to mention the story of their NAMES! The birth Mom named the girls Emmi-Rose Isadora and Blakely Moriah. All the names she chose for the girls were family names and had special meaning for her. We knew we wanted to honor her with the names she had chosen, but we also wanted to name them. There is just something about naming a child which makes you feel closer to them. We decided to use portions of her names within the names we chose. Olivia Blakely is the oldest and smallest (pictured on the left) and Emily Catherine is on the right. We were concerned when we told the birth Mom the names we had chosen. It was important to us for her to like the names and for them to be special to her. We were so thankful to learn she loved the names we chose!

We have enjoyed so much getting to know them. Their personalities are so different and yet they look more and more alike each time we see them! The interim foster families have been wonderful, and tell us stories how they already look for each other. This twin thing is going to be so interesting and FUN! Addie is doing very well, and is so excited about becoming a big sister. She has been able to hold them and feed bottles. Addie has been praying for Olivia and Emily every night, and also praying for the birth Mom not to be sad. Last week, we were able to have the twins in our home which was wonderful! To have them here with our things, our bulldogs, their crib, their room, and all of us was just great. We cannot wait to have them home soon.

We got news last week that the birth father had finally made some contact. We are hoping he will sign papers and mail them back this week. If he does, we could likely have the twins home for good just before Easter! If not, we will at least have them home by mid-April. We are just praying for God's timing and His will to continue to be done. Please pray with us as we wait for everything to be finalized so we can breathe a big sigh of relief . . .

A Beautiful Day

2010-02-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

It was a very special day for our family! Justin and I got to meet the twins for the first time. It was just an unbelievable experience. Before I go in to today, let me fill you in on some things . . .

The twins were born on Friday, January 29 at 6:10 pm and 6:13 pm at Vanderbilt. They were induced for several reasons. The birth mom was experiencing preeclampsia and also the first baby was not getting as much food as the second one. They wanted to make sure she was able to feed well and thought she could do that better outside. The birth mom was able to push both girls out and they did GREAT! They did not even need to go to the NICU which we are so thankful for! They were 5 weeks early, so we weren't sure how developed their lungs would be and just other preemie concerns. The day they arrived, Nashville got more snow than I have ever seen followed by a sheet of ice an inch thick! We could not have gotten to the hospital at all until Sunday. We were sad to learn the birth mom had not approved us to come to the hospital at all. We began to be concerned about losing the girls. On Sunday we were told, the birth mom wanted a week at home without the girls to pray about her final decision. The process had been difficult and she was wavering on her decision to place them for adoption.

It was a long week, but one we spent in deep prayer. Honestly, it was a peaceful week for me. I knew the Lord had a plan, we would adopt the girls or we would go to Bulgaria to adopt. Either way would be a HUGE blessing for our family. Justin and I did not want to parent the twins if it was not God's plan for us. We trusted His ways were better than ours, even if it meant losing them. The truth is, we still do. I cannot tell you how much I felt the presence of the Lord last week. Another AMAZING thing was to feel the prayers of all of our friends and family who prayed so faithfully for us. THANK YOU for all of you who prayed!

On Monday, February 8, we got the call. The birth mom walked into Mercy Ministries office and told them her decision. Mercy said the birth mom looked different. She was more peaceful, joyful, happy, and her whole face was glowing. They said she looked as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She sat down and said, "I know that I know that I know that I am supposed to place the twins with Justin and Tiffany." PRAISE THE LORD! We were so happy to have the confirmation from her. We are so proud of the birth mom and her willingness to follow God's plan no matter how much it cost her. We can never be thankful enough for her sacrifice. She not only was brave enough to give them life, but also brave enough to give them what she felt was a better life than she could offer them. We are overjoyed.

Back to today. . . When I walked into this situation, I just didn't know how I would feel. Would I fall in love at first sight? Would I feel bonded to them? Would I feel like they were someone else's girls? Would I be able to tell them apart? Would I know what to do? The answers are just indescribable. It was definitely love at first sight. For all of you who have adopted, you know the answer. The Lord gives you a supernatural experience. It is almost surreal. I just didn't know I was capable of feeling the way I did today. Maybe it was realizing the end of this DARK journey of infertility and loss was imminent. Maybe it was knowing this was God's plan all along. All the miscarriages, failed in vitros, corrective surgeries, and all the PAIN was washed away in one moment. God is good. For any of you walking through dark and painful valleys, please remember, it is not the end of the story. It is just the road leading to His perfect plan. Walk the road and remember He is faithful, and the end is a beautiful forever with Him.

A Curve Ball

2010-01-05T21:57:00.000-08:00

In baseball, a curve ball is a pitch that starts going one direction and then breaks to a different direction. This is what has happened with our adoption plan. On December 14, we received a call from Mercy Ministries. I almost didn't answer the phone because I believed they might be calling for a year end donation, and with all we have spent on adoption this year we are tapped out! Mercy called because a young lady has chosen our family to place for adoption! This was a complete surprise, especially since we did not even know our profile was still being shown. At first, I was very torn about the decision. You see, I am very excited about adoption in Bulgaria. I have been dreaming of the child we might be placed with, picturing their daily activities, and hoping they are safe and well cared for. I had put aside my hope of domestic adoption. We were only one paper away from turning in our dossier and being completely committed to Bulgaria. The paper was already due to be in our hands when Mercy called. God's timing? We are believing it is. The birth mom is due on March 7, which would change our lives very quickly. The most surprising part Mercy left to the end, it is identical TWIN GIRLS! Whoa. It still gets me every time. One of the babies has a kidney issue which we are hoping to know more about soon. It appears not to be a serious condition.

We are very excited, but also very concerned for the process to unfold. The birth mom is a wonderful person, and God has really brought her through so much. We are so proud of how far she has come with the Lord in just a few short months. Justin and I had our first face to face meeting with her yesterday. It was a great time of sharing, crying, laughing and learning about each other. We know a decision to place babies you have grown to love and cherish for so many months is a tremendous loss. For those of you who do not know, a birth mom has 4 days to surrender their rights and 10 business days after this time to change their mind. After those 10 days are over, she cannot change her mind ever. The birth father also has to surrender all rights, and we are still waiting for him to do so but believe he will. Please keep us in your prayers as we walk this road. I really only want whatever God wants for our family, the birth mom, and these babies. Honestly, I am still torn about which plan is right for our family. We need prayers for clarity and wisdom to do whatever it is God has for us.

Bah HUMBUG!

2009-12-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

I used to LOVE Christmas . . . There are still many things I do love about Christmas, however there are many things I do not! I find myself every year getting lost in the busyness and stressing to find just the "right" gift for everyone. Part of me wants to be thoughtful and let people know I am trying to think of them, and part of me just wants to buy things and be done with it already! You know? Let's face it, all most all of us have what we want. (Except world peace.) I am also not a great spender of money, although I am getting better which means financially I am getting worse! It just kills me to think I spent a dollar more when I could have gotten it cheaper elsewhere. Alas, I will finish my shopping this week best prices or not.

Things I like about Christmas
1. Getting to be Santa Claus
2. The elf on the shelf (Addie loves this!)
3. The decorations
4. Baking Christmas Goodies
5. Christmas Carols
6. Being sneaky
7. Spending time with family and friends!
8. No school for Addie- getting to spend time with her and SLEEPING IN!

Things I don't like about Christmas
1. Trying to divide time between families.
2. SHOPPING!
3. CROWDS!
4. Being TOO BUSY!
5. Trying to buy presents for people who have everything they want and have no ideas to give you.
6. CROWDS! (yes, I know I already had this on the list. I REALLY don't like it.)
7. My house looking like Christmas threw up everywhere until we get it organized and decorated.
8. Stores not having everything they advertise!
9. Missing my Grandpa.

I hope to take a moment this season to remember, God- all powerful, holy, all sufficient, and majestic, loved us enough to humble Himself and become flesh. He did not come to become King, but as a servant, a helpless baby. He trusted the very people, who had proved untrustworthy, just so He could have a relationship with you and me. His birth brought all of us life. May we be thankful, grateful people, for all it cost the Holy God to walk among us.

Welcome to Our World . . . Chris Rice

Fragile fingers sent to heal us

Tender brow prepared for thorns

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around you

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sin and make us holy

Perfect Son of God

Welcome to Our World . . .

Bulgaria! Here we come!!!

2009-10-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

There are 147 million orphans in this world. It's time to do something. After much prayer and tears, we have chosen to adopt from Bulgaria! We are very excited and cannot wait to see what God is going to do through us and in us.

1. Why Bulgaria? We chose Bulgaria for many reasons. The program offers children from various ages, but we will likely be placed with a child from ages 2-4. The program has only 2 short trips to make, instead of long stays in country. Also, Bulgaria is a country we thought we might like to revisit with our children. The country is just on top of Greece, which I've always wanted to see!

2. How long will it take? We don't know for sure! As with all international adoptions, there are no guarantees. We hope to be bringing our child home next year at this time. It could be much shorter or it could take 18 months at the longest. We are trying to prepare ourselves for a long wait.

3. Boy or Girl? We have decided not to choose! So this will be another big surprise for us! (Those of you who know me, and know I am a planner must be SHOCKED! We just really felt led to let God do the choosing. It will also help our wait time.)

4. How does Addie feel about all this? She is SOOOOOOO EXCITED! She is telling just about everyone we meet that we are going to get her a baby brother or sister from Bulgaria. She has been bringing home maps of Bulgaria from school, and praying for her new brother or sister.

5. What will the child look like? They have olive skin, dark brown hair, and dark brown eyes.

6. How much does it cost? About $28,000. I know it's a lot of money. Believe me, I know. (If any of you have extra money lying around . . .)

7. What agency are you using? Hopscotch Adoptions in North Carolina. For some reason (we believe is the Lord) I just kept feeling drawn to it.

Please pray with us as we walk this new journey. It's finally time to move forward in this area of our lives. We are very excited, but there are many new challenges that await us. Pray for our transition, and the transition of this precious child who may soon be ours who lives a world away from us RIGHT NOW! This child is already born, living in an orphanage with no family to call their own. I cannot help the 147 million orphans around the world, but I can love one.

Uncertainty

2009-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

In our Sunday School class at church, we've been doing a series on marriage. We've been looking back at those first years of marriage and comparing how our lives have changed since then. Our first 2 years of marriage were a blissful time for us. After spending almost 2 years long distance dating, it was wonderful just to be near each other daily. We had our struggles, but they were mostly financial. God always provided in those lean times. I was thinking in class a couple of weeks ago, how wonderful it was to really TRUST God for things. We had so many needs, we depended on His goodness DAILY. We lived simply, because we had no other choice. We still need the Lord as much as we did then, really even more. I know I take for granted things God has blessed us with, especially financial blessings. Now, each paycheck pays for all the things we need and more. It is a HUGE blessing, but one I regretfully take for granted. I found myself wanting to trust the Lord like that again.

Be careful what you wish for. . . It's been a difficult week for us. There's so much going on we are having to trust God for, and prayerfully decide what we need to do in so many areas. BIG things. These decisions may take us completely out of what we envisioned our next few years to look like.

There has been a country song which I have listened to so many times. The song is "Red Light" by David Nail. I am relating to the lyrics about how I am feeling. Not about our marriage, but about the pain. When you are hurting deeply, it seems like everywhere you look life is continuing as normal for everyone else while your world is crashing down around you. Guess it's time to trust God. Really trust Him . . .

The Birthday Letter

2009-09-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

This year was a BIG birthday time for Addie. We decided to have her birthday party with friends at Wizard Animation Studios, where the kids are able to star in a movie with 4 other friends and bring home the DVD of their movie. (Addie has watched her movie about 100 times.) It was a great party, and they did a super job. The kids had a great time, and Justin and I didn't have to do ANYTHING! They had a special for HALF OFF, which was so much cheaper than doing anything else. We were so blessed to have the Millages come in for a visit that weekend and celebrate with us. The next weekend our families came in to help us celebrate her actual birthday. It was all birthday all the time for a while. We've already decided next year we will let her have a few friends over for sleep over and not do a BIG party.

Along with all the celebrations there is one thing I do every year for Addie, I write her a birthday letter. I have not been good about keeping a baby book, or even scrapbooks. She will have thousands of pictures to look through, but nothing that marks the year for her in what she has been doing. The letter always includes the activities she's been doing that year, the songs and TV shows she likes, favorite books, what our family has been through, the food she likes, vacations and experiences, and the things I love about her. I keep each letter in what I call my "Mama" box, which is where I keep my favorite drawings, programs, and special things she has done. Some day, she will be able to read these words and remember who she was and how she was. It is my hope to write more letters to her as she grows up on specific topics, like dating, marriage, my relationship with the Lord, etc. Here is the last paragraph from last year's letter.

I cannot even begin to express my love for you. You have such a pure heart, and it is so tender. I am really trying hard to be a good Mom. You have made me a better person, just for knowing you and loving you. Someday I pray you will become a Mom, and know just exactly how much you can love someone. I just love you more than my heart can hold. You are such a big girl and growing up so fast. I wish there was a way I could just freeze you right now and not let you grow up. I am already sad knowing kindergarten is just months away, and I won’t have you every day with me. You are my sweet little friend, and I am so honored God chose you to be my daughter. I look forward to the day when you begin your relationship with Christ. I will be so excited to share that journey with you too! He has been my foundation, and I hope He will be yours too. Christ is the reason for life, and in Him you will find your purpose. He loves us more than we can ever imagine and someday we will see Him face to face. I am so excited to spend each day with you and you are my “I love you!”

My hope for these letters is that she will remember what God has brought us through, who we are in these moments of time. If something ever happened to me, she will always know how much I love her and be able to see a glimpse of who I am. In this world of facebook, twitter updates, and email, I encourage you to WRITE LETTERS to those who mean so much to you. They are truly gifts.

Gracie's Birthday

2009-09-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

(As I am typing this, I am becoming emotional!) Our 1/2 Pug and 1/2 French bulldog is turning 9 years old today! Gracie is really my first dog. We had dogs until I was about 8 years old, so I don't remember them well. My grandparents had dogs we claimed, and some were very special. Gracie surpasses all of them. She has been through so much with us. From moves to vacations to Addie's birth, she has been our constant companion and friend. The only reason I am even a little sad today is because I don't know how much longer we will have with Gracie, my hope is years. If only dogs could have the same life expectancy as we do!

We got her around Halloween in 2000, and carried her in a plastic pumpkin through Walmart while we bought new dog things. We named her "Gracie" after the church we had just moved away from in Knoxville. We spoiled her, loved her, trained her, and enjoyed how much she added to our lives. Gracie has always been great with Addie. When Addie was a newborn, I would lay her on our bed while I showered. There were times I would come out only to find Gracie and Addie snuggled together on our bed. Gracie never took food from Addie, and she was protective of her. To this day, Gracie enjoys playing with Addie. Gracie seems older and older to me now, as she sometimes limps from bad hips. She is still the same wonderful dog we love so much, but she just can't do everything she once could do. Aging is a terrible thing. I will spend today being thankful for the 9 years we have had with her, and praying for more!

KINDERGARTEN!!!

2009-08-27T06:13:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I suffer from separation anxiety, not in a medication sort of way, but in a I REALLY miss you sort of way. The start of Kindergarten was a much dreaded event for me. Coming home to no kids might sound like heaven to you, but it was something I was not ready for. Of course this is not the master plan, as we are headed to international adoption. I did start a very part-time job teaching music at a preschool a couple days a week to curb my anxiety and earn some money for the adoption. Here are some things I have learned from Addie's first week of school.

1. Home-schooling is a beautiful option. (I now understand why people do it! Getting up early every day to fight through traffic, only to LEAVE my favorite little person there is not FUN!)

2. Addie is more ready for Kindergarten than I am.

3. The grocery is not as fun without my little friend, but it is much faster.

4. Maybe I only stayed up late because I could get up late! I am finding myself asleep before 11:00 pm at night!!! This has not happened to me since MIDDLE SCHOOL!

5. I have authority issues! I do not like to follow someone else's schedule.

6. Addie is the slowest breakfast eater.

7. Addie is not a morning person, and that is very hard since I am not either.

8. It's weird to see Wes King and Steven Curtis Chapman when dropping your child off at school. I grew up singing their songs, and I even wrote SCC fan mail in high school. Weird.

9. I think the tough thing about beginning Kindergarten is the BIG picture. This is the end of Addie being at home more than she's at school. Ugh, there's that home-school thought again. . .

10. Summer is the most wonderful time of the year.

To conclude, this week was only half days! Let's see how it goes for full days. . .

End of the Summer. . .

2009-08-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

Never before have I dreaded an end to Summer more than this year. Maybe it was the start of Kindergarten, maybe it was the BEAUTIFUL weather this Summer, or maybe it was the end of no routine and sleeping in. Regardless, I have mourned these last few days as we start a new chapter in our lives. I thought I would include some of my favorite Summer pictures.

*** For those of you who have asked about "31" mentioned in the earlier post . . . It was AWESOME! God really used it in a big way. The teachers did an outstanding job, and the surveys gave the night a "9" or "10" overall. God also brought good beyond the night as we have new visitors, as well as new relationships that came from "31." There are so many good stories from it, and thank you to all who prayed!

31

2009-07-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

In June, Faith Murphy, a friend from our church called, she said they were beginning a new thing in the Women's ministry at our church. (www.clearview.org) Faith asked me if I had any ideas or anything I would like to contribute to the Women's Ministry. We talked back and forth about some ideas, and then the idea came to me. There are so many things I would like to know how to do! I knew I wasn't the only one who felt lost when particular subjects came up. I have friends who are newly married who need a few cooking hints, and other women like me, whose Mom or Grandma didn't show them how to sew. What if we had a night where women of all ages could come learn something new! A safe environment where the older could teach the younger, the skilled could teach the unskilled, and have fun learning together while building relationships. So often in our churches, we seem to become familiar with a few families, but never get to know those older or younger than us, or those in different situations. This event would allow women of all ages-single, married, widowed, and divorced, to come together.

The idea took flight. I started thinking about classes we could have like gardening, cooking, skin care, sewing, scrapbooking, budgeting and then I found teachers for each one. Faith and I chose a date at church, booked the room, and began setting up a budget, securing a caterer, and made plans for childcare. We decided to call it "31" after the woman talked about in Proverbs 31. She was resourceful with what God had blessed her with! She worked hard, and was a blessing to her family. Not since I was a student minister at Grace Baptist Church, had I took on such a huge event to plan. I really have never enjoyed doing the details, the ideas are much more fun! Since the event took off, we have been so blessed by the response! We have ladies from high school up to the age of 92! We've had ladies come and suggest other classes for the future, and agree to teach them. We also have ladies from parents to grandparents, singles to divorced, and everything in between. My prayer is for God to use the event for His kingdom. I know the teachers will bring Christ into the conversation. I know God will bless their faithfulness. God has already blown our expectation, in our finite minds our hope was to have between 50-75 ladies coming to the event. It was a week night in the middle of Summer, and an event we've never done or heard of! The last count I got on Friday was 152 women. Wow. It's really a "God" moment for me. I can't wait to see what He does on Tuesday!

Proverbs 31:25-31
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

When to say "When"?

2009-06-18T07:46:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if I know the answer to my title. In a month, it has been 4 years now since our very first miscarriage in July 2005 which started our journey toward another child. We have applied for adoption and had 2 young ladies consider us. They chose other families. We have had genetic testing to see if there is a reason for our 3 miscarriages. (We are waiting on the results.) Addie will turn 6 in September and starts Kindergarten in August. A few of my friends have said, do you really want to go all the way back to babies? Some days I am not sure. Others have said, "don't give up! They will have a special relationship." The truth of the matter is I want Addie to have the joy of a sibling and the sibling relationship especially in adulthood. Of all the trials and heartaches, I know one thing. I am not in charge of her destiny or even my own. I know God controls our answer, whether the result is in another child or not. So, do we give up? How much more money do we throw at what may not be God's choice for us? We have options, with adoption, in vitro fertilization, insemination, and of course, continuing to try on our own. But, when does it end? Will we know when we've tried enough? I don't know. How much farther do we go? We will of course keep our adoption options open, and pray God answers us. What if He does not answer us with a child? A child we have prayed for earnestly for 4 years. I know His ways are better, it's just so hard to let go of what you want.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (New Living Translation)
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Beach

2009-05-18T09:37:00.001-07:00

This was our 4th year in a row to Destin, Florida with my parents. It was a rough trip getting to Destin, as we had a flat tire on the way. It made us lose about 2 hours going down, which made the LONG trip even longer. We had to have the tire patched and while they changed the tire, the jack was put in the wrong place so we have a dent on our new van again. This was also our first time to take one of our dogs, so all the extra commotion was made more difficult. We were spoiled with having the built in DVD player you can play Wii on, as well as it giving us a chance to watch our movies on the portable one. Finally, after we arrived and unloaded everything, I dropped our digital camera on the ground heading to the beach. It wouldn't even turn on after this! This was a very expensive vacation!

Once again, the beach did not disappoint us! We decided to take our nephew, Luke, with us this year. Luke and Addie are very close and we knew they would have a great time together. The first day, we got a little nervous as Luke asked to go to the pool after being at the beach for only 30 minutes! We figured out they enjoy the boogie boards, and that kept us at the beach for many hours. We also jet skiied on the ocean, went to the Track to ride go carts and bumper boats, took a pirate cruise, and shopped! Justin and I discovered how much fun snorkeling is! One day he was out snorkeling and a dolphin swam very close to him. He never saw them but heard their squeaks. I was out on my boogie board and came within 20 feet of them. It was AMAZING! It was a fantastic vacation, and it went by much too quickly. Now we have the vacation blues. . .

Only Child. . .

2009-04-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

Last night we went for a walk in our neighborhood, which we do almost every evening we are home. We take the dogs, and sometimes Addie rides her bike. We have special rocks we always stop to play on, one is the stage rock where we do "shows" and the other is a "pirate ship" rock. On our walk last night we ran into neighbors who have a 4 year old and 8 month old twins. Addie watched as the older sister doted on the twins. When we got home, we sat on the back porch in our swing and talked. For the very first time in all our years of struggling, Addie said, "Mommy, I don't want to be an only child." It just pierced my heart. I have no idea what God's plan is for our family, and I know His ways are best. In the almost 4 years of pain and loss, Addie had never expressed her desire for a sibling. When we would ask her if she wanted a baby brother or sister, she would always say yes. But, this was the first time without being asked she stated her feelings. I am hoping this is God preparing us for a child, and not just Addie being old enough to realize what is happening. Only time will tell . . .

Spring/Easter

2009-04-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

It was an eventful Spring both at church and at home. We were able to spend last week with both Justin's and my family. Last weekend, Justin's family came and we got to spend some great time with them. It was a FUN time. We went to see "Monsters vs. Aliens," went shopping at Opry Mills, played tennis, cheered at Addie's soccer game, saw the live show of "Llama, Llama Red Pajama" at the library, and stayed up very late. It's always fun to do a sleepover with the cousins, although there is not too much sleep for them.

This week we were able to be with my family at my parents' house. On the way, God protected us from a very frightening experience. As I was driving on the interstate, a man in front of me drove over a huge piece of metal. It looked like someone's fender. As he drove over it with his back tire, it sent it flying into our new minivan! It hit the hood first and then our windshield blocking my vision. It made a very loud sound, and I thought for sure it would shatter the glass. I screamed, and looked back at Addie who was still watching her movie and didn't even notice! After taking it to the Toyota place, they said the repair would be $1700! We turned it into our car insurance, and so we only paid the deductible. We are so grateful!

The Easter Bunny visited us at my parents' house on Saturday. (We are trying to keep Easter Sunday just for Jesus, so the Easter Bunny comes early at our house.) Addie found part of the Easter Bunny's tail coming out of a door (a stretched piece of cotton), and she was just so excited about it. After the Easter Egg hunt at my parents' we had a great meal and time together.

I wanted to share some pictures from the last few weeks so here they are . . .

End of the Beginning

2009-04-11T15:38:00.001-07:00

Easter is one of the most glorious times of the year for me. It forces me to remember the details of what I celebrate each day, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Each year I try to read the last week of Christ from the gospels from Palm Sunday until Easter so I am ready for Easter! Reading through the crucifixion always just sickens me, but that's not the end! I will never forget one Easter Sunday at Grace Baptist Church (in Knoxville, TN) when our choir sang "End of the Beginning." The congregation walked into a dark sanctuary and the music to the song began. It stayed dark until we sang, "Three days later, three days later, three days later. . ." They showed the video of the stone rolling away and then all the lights came up so bright and we sang "He Rose." Imagine 300 voices singing, "He ROSE!" on Easter Sunday. The crowd errupted with applause, cheers, tears, and celebration. Now, imagine how much greater it will be in heaven. Enjoy the song, but more importantly celebrate the message!

Addie's First Soccer Game!

2009-03-22T18:02:00.001-07:00

Well, we have tried gymnastics, swimming, and done several outdoor things with Addie, but never an organized sport. Addie was sick for her first practice, got rained out of another practice and game, and the coach was out of town for the other practice. We showed up at the field having no training in soccer, other than last summer's soccer camp and Justin's kicking it around with her. This was a recipe for a difficult game. I discovered lots of things about Addie and myself at this first soccer game.

1. I am very competitive, and it hurts a little to see your child running 20 feet away from the ball with no idea what to do.

2. Addie knows how to kick the ball, but it is a completely different thing to add 8 other people trying to kick the same ball and expect her to kick it too.

3. As much as you think you have shown your child how to play, there is no teacher as good as experience.

4. Peacemakers don't make the best soccer players. But, I'll take the peacemaker any day of the week.

5. I found myself wishing my parents had let me play soccer at age 5, but knowing then what I know now (how to play soccer). Wow, I could really be good if that happened!

6. I need to be very careful to enjoy the time, and let go of any frustration I might feel. It's not the Olympics after all!

All in all, it was a fun day and we saw great improvement in the hour she played. We look forward to many more soccer games and are so proud of her. If ever you are feeling down, I highly recommend watching a little league soccer game. It is quite amusing, and you'll be surprised at what you learn.

Wilderness at the Smokies

2009-03-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was the start of a week long vacation for Justin. We were supposed to be getting the house ready to be put on the market. Since we decided not to sell, we went to the Wilderness at the Smokies with Justin's family. It is a new resort in Sevierville, just before you hit the craziness of Pigeon Forge, that has an indoor and soon outdoor water park. There is a baby/toddler area that has slides, teeter totter, and swings. Next is a hot tub pool, that is very relaxing. Our nephews enjoyed the surf area, where you ride a boogie board and it simulates surfing. The pictures at the bottom show the wave pool, and the climbing area. My favorite part was the water slides! There was one slide unlike any I have ever been on. It was a 4 person slide with a HUGE drop into a 2 story funnel. You just swirled around the sides until you eventually slid down to the bottom. It was GREAT! (The 7 flights of stairs to it were not as great.) Even with a fever, Addie enjoyed the time very much! The only trouble we had at the resort was keeping track of everyone!

New Decision

2009-03-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

After much soul searching and sleepless nights, we have finally decided to stay in our home. Addie will be attending Christ Pres. Academy in the Fall for Kindergarten. We found we were accepted into the school last week. We have visited the school several times and are very pleased with the school, the education they provide, and the spiritual emphasis they make in every subject. This was not an easy decision, but one we feel good about. Christ Pres. needed to know a permanent answer by May 1, which did not give us enough time to sell our home. Finally settling on our decision was difficult for us since we both went to public schools, but now we feel great about it!

A New Home

2009-02-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

Well, we've decided we need to put our home on the market. We live in Davidson County schools which are not the best and Addie starts Kindergarten this Fall. The school we are zoned for is failing math and science, as well as it has disciplinary problems. Sending Addie there would feel like feeding her to the wolves. We are left with only 2 choices, stay in our home and do private school or move to Williamson County schools. We will find out if Addie was accepted into Christ Pres. Academy on Monday. It's a terrible time to sell a house, so we are concerned. We need to make at least enough out of our home to buy another one. We are praying for God's blessing. It just all stinks. We love our home, and to find one in Williamson County with everything we have would cost $60,000-$100,000 more than we paid. OUCH! Our other issue, Addie and I are terrible with change. We really want to stay where we are, but we aren't sure if private school is a good fit. We also have no idea if we move, what area of town would be better for us. We'd like to move closer to friends, but this would make Justin's commute more difficult. If we stay in the area we are in, we still don't have many friends around. Please pray for us, as we seek God's direction in this area.

My Valentines Beginnings. . .

2009-02-13T10:42:00.001-08:00

It started in the Fall of 1995, when Justin and I met at Belmont University. We met through a mutual friend. We started spending a little time together and the more time we spent, the more time we wanted to spend. We were out into the wee hours of the morning driving around Nashville and talking and laughing almost every night. (We somehow made it to our 8:00am classes.) After hanging out non-stop for almost 2 weeks, it was time for Fall Break. Justin went home to Knoxville and I flew to hang out with a friend in San Antonio, TX. Justin asked my friend Kari to let him drive me to the airport, which I was very excited about. That 4 days away from him felt like an eternity for me. I could not wait to get back to Belmont to see him again! My friend Jayna was supposed to pick me up at the airport on Sunday afternoon and much to my surprise Justin was waiting for me when I got off the plane. This picture was taken at the very moment we saw each other! (Thanks Jayna!) It was the first time I knew I loved him. . .

In the Fall of 2003, we welcomed our little valentine into the world. Addie has been the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. She was our surprise and continues to surprise us every day. I love her more than I could ever express. . .

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you!

Addie-tude

2009-02-05T17:39:00.001-08:00

I know I can be sarcastic and say things with attitude, but it always sounds different coming out of my 5 year old's mouth. On the way to school the other day, she was angry with us for making her wear her coat in the car seat. (She hates to wear her coat in the car seat because she can't move.) She said, "Does my face look happy to you?" Last night on the way home from church, she said "We didn't even get to play on the indoor playground! I was like "Helloooo!" It's always hard not to laugh and yet I really don't want to encourage attitude. Finding the balance between allowing for a personality and keeping her respectful is difficult. I am wondering if boys have attitude too, or if it's a girl thing. . .

The Reunion

2009-01-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

Fall of 1994

When I was eight years old, we moved from Benton, KY to Jackson, MO. My Dad accepted the pastor role at First Baptist Jackson, MO. It was a great experience for me and unlike most preacher's kids, I was in Jackson from age 8 until I left for college at 18! One of my first friends in Jackson, was Courtney (third from the left). I have blogged about her before, and we are still very close to this day. Another friend who came along a couple of years later, was Lisa (first on the left). Lisa joined our church and we became fast friends. We loved to laugh, loved the arts, and we had so much FUN together. A few years later (about 8th grade), Sarah became a part of our foursome. We were always together in church and school. We were always there for each other, and even though after high school we went our separate ways we stayed friends. We were in each others' weddings and loved each other very much. Lisa and Sarah were best friends, and Courtney and I were best friends. But all of us together was a circle of close friends.

Then, life happened. My parents moved away from Jackson, so I never went home. Lisa moved to Columbia, MO, Courtney moved to Memphis, TN, and Sarah moved to Nashville, TN. While, I was living in Knoxville the four of us lost touch with each other. It was sad, but it just happens. Through the magic of Facebook, we have reconnected and on Saturday we will see each other all together for the first time in 8 years. I am so excited! I know we will laugh, cry, talk, and eat! It will be so good to remember, and catch up with my friends after all these years. Saturday will be a day I will treasure.

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."

Things you really shouldn't have to tell your kids. . .

2009-01-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a rainy afternoon with lots of basketball and football on at our house today. Addie has been bored and coloring a lot with her new markers from Christmas. We saw some green marker stains in our carpet. When we asked her what it was, she said "I don't know." We asked if she had been coloring on the carpet, to which she answered "No." Then we looked around for things that may have bled onto the carpet but saw nothing. Just then, George (our puppy) walked by. I noticed his tail was GREEN! That's right, Addie decided to color George's tail GREEN with a marker! How she got him to stay still is a mystery. So, everywhere he has sat in our floor now has a green marker stain. There's just some things you just don't think to tell your kids, like don't color the dogs!

Tag #2

2009-01-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

My friends Brandy and Melissa tagged me to post the 4th picture in my 4th folder from all of our pictures, so here it is. This is a picture from Christmas 2006 and we were trying to get a picture with Addie and all of her cousins. Obviously we did not get a good picture so no one has really seen this one! Now, Brandy Anovick, Jessica Briggs, Jennifer Millage, Jessica Adkins, and JoAnna McKnight it is your turn to let us see your 4th picture in your 4th folder with an explanation!

Blue Christmas . . .

2008-12-28T17:05:00.001-08:00

Two weeks before Christmas we got the unexpected news that we were pregnant. It was so exciting, but we were fearful knowing our past history and hearing the Dr.'s warnings. We knew we were high risk for miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and just numerous things to go wrong. Well, after two weeks of close monitoring, we found we will be having another miscarriage. No explanation, no reason, no hope. It is always devastating to receive this kind of news, but especially 2 days before Christmas. We managed to enjoy at least some of the holidays with Addie and our families, but we are still hurting very deeply. This has been quite a journey of 3 1/2 years of pain trying to have a second child. We had our first miscarriage in July 2005, followed by an ectopic pregnancy in September 2005 that rendered me unable to conceive again. In July 2006 we tried IVF and it failed, followed by a frozen IVF cycle which failed in February 2007. I had corrective surgery in September 2007, and it has taken us over a year of trying to conceive. Our application for adoption is still open, and we have no idea what will happen next. We had hoped this was the end of this journey, but it is not. . .

Snow, Snow, Snow! (Sung as on White Christmas)

2008-12-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year! (or so they tell me) This Christmas season started a little ba-humbug for me this year. Although I love Christmas, I really don't like all the busyness and crowds, and even less the pressure to be thoughtful for all of our families! Last night was one of the first times this season I felt ready for Christmas. There is just something about snow! It seems to me we had more snow growing up in Kentucky and Missouri than here, so I appreciate it so much when we actually get some! Our puppy George loves the snow, and it was his first time. He is so funny as he pushes the snow together with his paws and then slides. While it was coming down last night he kept glancing at his back to see what was landing on him. Then he spends the rest of the time trying to get Addie's mittens as we both giggle. I'm looking forward to watching "White Christmas" and snuggling up to cocoa and a fire this weekend.

In all the traditions we have for ourselves and our families, it's so easy to forget what we celebrate. I have tried to drill it in Addie's head the real meaning of Christmas. We have really enjoyed watching the movie "The Nativity Story" as it gives such a real picture of what it was like for Mary and Joseph all those years ago. The wonder of how God became flesh, and dwelt among us should still astound us. The All-Sufficient God coming as a helpless baby, trusting the very people who have let Him down countless times, should still astound us. I will pray God astounds me this year as we retell the Christmas story and remember it was all for us.

A Sick Child

2008-12-07T14:31:00.000-08:00

Addie has been sick since Friday morning and today is Sunday afternoon. It has been the terrible stomach virus that will not go away. She has had high fever, throwing up and diarrhea. To give you an idea of how bad she feels, she's actually asked us a few times while laying on the couch to just turn off the TV! She said once while throwing up, "Mommy when I throw up, it's just the worst of my life!" It really is. She has had horrible diarrhea with this and we have put towels down on the couch and in the bed. Addie came into the room and our bulldog had made herself comfortable on the couch, and Addie said, "Mommy, Gracie is sitting on my toot towel!" I just had to laugh.

Through the last few days, I am reminded of how much I take her health for granted. Addie is almost never sick. The times we have been at Children's hospitals, I see so many young children with much worse things. We have friends whose children have life altering illnesses, and even those we know who have lost children. I cannot even imagine.

Being very analytical, it makes me wonder how God feels in these circumstances. I have felt a little like I think He must feel these last few days. I wish I could take Addie's pain, her fever and even throw up for her. I wish I could hurt for her so she wouldn't have to hurt. If I did that, what lesson would she or Justin and I learn? If our lives were only easy, would we ever look for a Father who can do all we ask or imagine? Probably not.

So while I go clean up the mess on the floor, on the walls, and in the toilet, I will remind myself how very blessed I am to have a healthy child.

Shadowfeet

2008-11-25T21:54:00.001-08:00

It's no secret how much I love music, in particular, worship music. There is a song out right now which I LOVE, and it's not labeled "worship," but it sure makes me worship! I bought it on itunes and have listened to it a million times. It's by Brooke Fraser, and she is from New Zealand. The song is called, "Shadowfeet," great title. We both love C.S. Lewis, and she has ties to Mercy Ministries which is where we have applied to adopt. Please check out her music and you will be blessed. The lyrics speak to the day coming when God shows up! Here they are. . .

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet. Toward home,a land that i've never seen I am changing: less and less asleep made of different stuff than when i began and i have sensed it all along fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]when the world has fallen out from under
me I'll be found in You, still standing when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their
knees when time and space are through I'll be found in You

Theres distraction buzzing in my head saying in the shadows it's easier to
stay but I've heard rumours of true reality whispers of a well-lit way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No

I Left My Heart in San Francisco and Carmel!

2008-11-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

We just returned home from our belated 10th Anniversary trip to San Francisco and Carmel. It was the most amazing trip of my life. There are no words to describe the beauty and majesty of the Pacific Coast. The pictures can only give a glimpse of being there. The smell of the pines and the eucalyptus trees, and the sound of the waves crashing as sea foam sprays on your face are missing from the visuals. Every where you look, there is beauty- breathtaking beauty. In that beauty it was hard to miss seeing God in all His splendor.

We had so much fun in San Francisco. This was Justin's first trip west of Colorado, and we were both amazed at the hills in San Francisco. It was crazy to drive to the top of a hill and not even be able to see the road until you started going down. We took a professional tour (Mr. Toad's Tours) and they showed us all the sights of the city. We were able to stay at the Fairmont San Francisco and it was AMAZING! (This was the hotel site used in the old TV show "Hotel") We will never stay anywhere nicer than this hotel, and our room overlooked most of the city all the way to Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge. We had the robes, flat screen TV, granite shower and large tub, and complimentary champagne with chocolate covered strawberries. While we were there, we rode the trolleys, ate at Ghiradelli square, toured Fisherman's wharf, and heard the sea lions on Pier 39. We also took the hike to Point Bonita Lighthouse which was our favorite part of San Francisco. The views were unbelievable and we had to take a cat walk bridge to the lighthouse. (It was an old bridge that only 2 could cross at a time.) When you walked across the bridge, it would sway in the wind. I was terrified! We toured the Muir Woods and it was a peaceful walk through trees from the turn of the century.

In Carmel, we stayed at the Tickle Pink Inn which had an amazing view. It was a very wonderful place. Carmel is so quaint with all the cottages and shopping, all the while hearing the roar of the ocean only yards away. We took the 17 mile drive and it was captivating. We rode horses on the beach and rode through golf courses to get there! There was a place on our ride called "Seal Rock" where hundreds of sea lions all were on a rock about an acre wide. They were so loud, but it was just incredible. We shopped and toured the infamous Pebble Beach Golf Course. Once again, beautiful. Then we took the drive to Big Sur, which was just incredible. We drove over the Bixby Bridge and everywhere you looked it was a picture.

The best part of the trip for me, was spending much needed time focusing on each other. We get so busy in our day to day lives, we forget how much we enjoy just being together. Hopefully our next big anniversary trip will come close to this one.

The Election

2008-11-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

I find myself quite political every 4 years, and this time was no exception. I remember turning 18 just in time to vote for Bush instead of Clinton in 1992. When Bush lost, I was devastated. I felt like no one heard my voice. This year was such a different election for me. I really do like John McCain. How can you argue with someone who has served his country so faithfully even as a POW for the country he loves so much. He is a man of honor and distinction and I cried as he read his congratulations to Obama speech to the country last night. A different time, and a different election and McCain would be President. I guess it was not to be.

I am excited to have a black President, and I can see how charismatic Obama is. Of course, I am worried about his liberal agenda, and his desire to get out of Iraq quickly. Justin and I are both concerned about what will happen with the healthcare industry. The good things about his presidency are the healing of the racial tension in the country and the world view of the US has already improved in many places. I will stand behind Obama as President, and before we try to villanize him, just as the democrats have done to President Bush, I will remember the respect the office deserves. I believe God brings the right people into government at the right time. If this is the beginning of the end times as some suggest, then it is still God's timing. I hope Obama can bring our country together, and will be someone who God uses in a great way. It's time for everyone to quit fighting and come together. So I will take the McCain/Palin sign out of our yard, and be so thankful I get to live in the greatest country in the world.

Happy Halloween!

2008-11-01T08:44:00.001-07:00

Our morning started out a little rough with the dreaded words, "Mommy my tummy doesn't feel good." This was followed by throwing up in the bathroom floor. (At least it wasn't the bed.) This is always difficult for me as I am a sympathetic vomitter. (This was something I really loved in Justin. As a nurse, I knew he could handle cleaning up blood, poop, and vomit. Much to my surprise, he does not handle Addie's vomit very well.) I managed to clean it up, and I felt terrible for Addie. She was looking forward to all our Halloween activities, and there she was pale as a ghost laying on the couch. I grabbed the thermometer and played nurse for awhile, only to discover no fever. This was odd. Addie has never had a stomach bug without a fever. Then it occurred to me how much snot she has had lately, and that's exactly what it looked like coming back out. She threw up one more time into a blanket (GROSS) and tried to hide it from me. She was desperate to go trick or treating. After a few more hours, it was obvious she was not sick she had just swallowed too much stuff. Addie slept the afternoon away, and was ready to go! We were able to trick or treat in our neighborhood, and then drove to a friends house and trick or treated more with their families! It was a blast! As Macy said, "This is the best Halloween ever!"

Justin dressed as Phillip Fulmer (UT's football coach for at least a few more games) and held a sign that read "Will Coach for Candy." I attempted to be somewhat crafty and got ideas from the internet for these cupcakes! Addie and I had lots of fun making ghosts, bats, and mummies. The ghosts melted, so I thought I'd share these!

Don't Leave Home Without Her!

2008-10-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, Addie was able to sweet talk Justin out of a speeding ticket. She had her window down in the car, and when the police officer approached the car she said, "I wasn't doing anything wrong I was just sitting here." The police officer laughed and said, "I know honey, Daddy was just driving too fast." After a few more exchanges, Justin drove away without a speeding ticket.

Today, the same thing happened only it was my turn. I was driving home from my great Aunt's 90th birthday celebration, when I was pulled over one street away from my parents' house. We rolled the windows down again in the car, and Addie said emphatically, "Don't give my Mommy a speeding ticket!" The police officer was surprised and laughed, and told her he would not give her Mommy a ticket. After waiting for a long time, he came back with 2 warnings. He gave one to Addie and one to me. He told her to slow down, and told Addie to make sure I did too. All in all, it was wonderful. There is just no telling how much money she has saved us! Thank You Addie!

It's FINALLY FINISHED!

2008-10-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report after working on our home study and adoption papers, letters, FBI checks, autobiographies, scrapbook, and paperwork on and off for 6 months, we are finished! We actually have our application turned into Mercy Ministries. Next week, we are talking with an attorney to have our paperwork in with her too! Please pray for us, as now we just wait. Of course, we have not given up our hope in another biological child so we will be trying all our options! We feel blessed to have all the hard work finished and now it is in the hands of someone else. We know God is watching over all the process, and we will pray He brings a child into our home who belongs with us, no matter how. Please keep us in your prayers as we wait, in what has already seemed an eternity waiting for our next child.

TAG! You're it!

2008-10-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by my friend Melissa to tell 6 quirky things about myself. This is my first tag, so I decided to respond! (By the way I am so new to blogging, I really did not even know this was done.)

1. I am completely OCD about the garage door. Almost daily, I leave my home and turn around half way through our neighborhood to make sure I have closed it. I used to call my neighbor across the street to ask, but she moved. (Hopefully those 2 things are unrelated.) It's gotten to the point Addie asks me why I'm turning around, and then sighs loudly after my response.

2. I am also OCD about emails. I find myself checking them too regularly. We went to see Justin's family this weekend, and I did not check it. I was very proud of myself. (The new iphone helps me not be too OCD.) I'm not all that important, so I really don't know why I think I will miss something!

3. I LOVE chocolate. I eat chocolate every day. Even if I make a blackberry cobbler or apple pie, I still need chocolate. It's almost like any other dessert is a vegetable, because it must be followed by chocolate.

4. I am overly attached to my pillow. I've taken it to New York City, to Chicago, and Disney World and everywhere else we travel. I tell myself it's because I do not sleep well without it. This is partly true, because I forgot my pillow one time and awoke with pain in my neck. I've had this pillow since early childhood, although this may be disgusting to some, I have resown new covers over the old ones. I've tried new pillows and they just aren't the same. I guess my well-traveled pillow is still my security blanket. . .

5. I have separation anxiety when I leave our bulldog, Gracie. Maybe it's because when we first bought her, we gave her away, only to get her back a few months later. (It's a cool story, I will have to tell later.) I used to have separation anxiety with Addie, but now I can tell her and she understands. With Gracie, I know she does not understand. We've never boarded Gracie in 8 years, but we've had friends and family keep her. You know people will love your child as you do, but with a dog, you just never know.

6. I research everything, from the best buy on something, to the best place to stay, to the things to do when you travel. Even when we travel to see family, I will see what is going on in the area just to make sure we don't miss anything! I am usually laid back and flexible when we arrive, but I have a list of things I want to do during the time we are there.

This really feels like confession. Anyone else want to divulge some painful secrets? Be my guest!

Pumpkin Farms

2008-10-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

Growing up in Missouri, we did not have pumpkin farms. We did have hay rides, bonfires, and fun Fall nights. One thing we have enjoyed doing every year since Addie was 2 1/2 is going to the pumpkin farms. It's a great time to be outside enjoying the beauty of the leaves and the changing of the seasons. We had a fun time tonight at the pumpkin farm with our friends from church.

There's just something special about Fall to me. The crispness in the air, the sound of high school football games, and the excitement of school beginning. I am more nostalgic in the Fall and find myself missing the years I was in school. It's funny to think about being stressed in college with papers and tests. The stress is so much different now. I remember feeling carefree with endless possibilities in front of me. College was a time when I didn't know the pain of infertility, or my father's Parkinson's disease, or the reality of losing those I love most. It seemed as if my dreams were just there to be realized. My dreams have changed and my dreams have changed me.

Would I go back? No, and it's for moments just like today. It's doing life with those friends who are so dear to me. One of my favorite things is watching Addie enjoy life with her friends, and I can't even imagine giving up one day with Addie to go relive my childhood. Although as I look at the world around me, I might reminisce about days gone by. There is a reason we are here at this point in history and God has a purpose for all the joys and the pain. Even when we can't see what He is doing, we will remember His hand is over all the mess. His providence is so evident in the beauty of Fall, and I'm so thankful He gives us this season to enjoy!

Feeling Loved. . .

2008-10-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

As I've gotten older, my expectations of what my birthday should be have lessened greatly. In college, I had surprise parties all 4 years. (The funny thing is, I was always surprised.) I've had birthdays in a hospital, in New York, at Perkin's at 2 am in college, and at home. Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday with good friends, flowers, sweet phone calls, funny emails, and my family. All in all, it was a wonderful birthday (especially with my new iphone). My new way of thinking is, if on your birthday you feel loved that is all you can ask for! Thanks to everyone who remembered and made my day so special. . .

Sovereignty in Suffering

2008-09-20T17:20:00.000-07:00

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. (1 Corinth 4:7-12)

I've been thinking a great deal about suffering and what it means to us as Christians. We have had a difficult few years, and we have also seen the suffering of those around us. Where is God in our suffering? Does God allow pain or does God cause pain? My thoughts are God does both, allow and cause pain. In the life of Christ, He allowed the pain. In other situations, you read of God hardening someone's heart and then they suffer. Sometimes our pains are a direct result of our own poor choices. My pastor suggested I read the book, "Disappointment with God" by Phillip Yancey. I am enjoying it so far. It speaks of how we as Christians often perceive God in false way.

Do we believe if we are all good little girls and boys, God will grant our wishes? Maybe. Although it is not what the Bible teaches, it is what some teach us as we grow in our Christian faith. Possibly they teach us this, because you do reap what you have sown. However, what about when the rain falls on us in faithfulness? We have numerous examples in the Bible and in life, where someone serves God faithfully only to be beaten, distressed, persecuted, or even killed.

Why do we as Christians believe we can live in our suburban, middle class America, and somehow make it without suffering? For me, 9/11 was the first time I did not feel completely safe in our country. We have this false sense of safety and control in our lives. I believe these horrific events help to remind us of how very little control we have and how safety is always temporary. No one is immune to pain or suffering, although some seem to escape with less than others. C.S. Lewis said, "Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Would we look for God in our lives if we did not endure difficulties?

In high school, when I was dealing with several painful things a wise friend sent me this image. He said when you have a perfect piece of pottery, if you place a light down inside it, you cannot see the light. If you have a broken piece of pottery, and shine the light down inside it, the light shines through the broken places. Just like in our own lives, if we are perfect His light cannot shine through us. It is only in our broken places where His light shines clearly.

So where is God in the suffering? I have thought so much about how God turned His face away when Christ suffered the ultimate sacrifice. He turned His face away because He knew there was a greater good on the other side of it. I will choose to believe in our suffering, though He may turn His head, He is right beside us and sees the greater good on the other side of our present sufferings.

"My God, I have never thanked you for my thorn! I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorn. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear, teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed to you by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow." George Matheson

Meet George

2008-09-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

After talking about getting another dog for at least a year, we finally did! We named him George. His name is George because we always thought it would be funny to have a George and Gracie. George is the same mix as Gracie, 1/2 French Bulldog, and 1/2 Pug. Gracie has been such a wonderful dog, we couldn't imagine choosing a different mix. George was hard to find, but he is worth the wait. He has been wonderful so far, although I did forget how much they bite. Gracie is tolerating him right now. Hopefully someday soon, she will love him and mother him. He's been great at potty training and sleeping all night in his crate. Addie adores George. We have to remind her to leave him alone. He wants to sleep a lot and Addie has things for him to do and things for him to wear. Poor George.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."

Party Time, Excellent!

2008-09-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, after a postponement, a fever and much rain, we were able to do Addie's party a day late. It was so much fun, and the kids actually swam in the freezing water. No adult made it into the pool, but the kids didn't seem to mind the polar bear swim. Needless to say, we had the pool to ourselves. Who knew it was going to be so cool already in September! Last year we were still roasting. Addie was excited to have all her grandparents there as well as her cousins. Here's a few of the pics from Saturday. . .

Addie turns 5!

2008-09-05T10:03:00.001-07:00

Well, it's hard to believe and hard to swallow, but yesterday Addie turned 5 years old. I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing she has been to us. At first, like all parents we fell in love with her but had quite the adjustment to our carefree lives. I can't even imagine our lives without her now. Her personality is outgoing, funny, loving, gentle, tenderhearted, fun, and caring. Addie's favorite movie is Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, the 1954 version, which has been one of my favorites for years! Justin always says how much Addie is like me, although she has the gentleness, love, and humor of him. She loves to play the Wii with her Daddy. She is very much a Daddy's girl right now.

She asked me a really deep theological question yesterday, and I thought surely this doesn't happen at 5 years old. We have had big rains today, and her party was supposed to be tonight. We had to move the party to tomorrow. She said, "Mommy, does God make it rain?" To which I replied, "Yes, God makes it rain." Then without missing a beat she said, "Why would God make it rain on my party?" It's funny she is asking the same things I am asking right now in my own spiritual walk with the Lord. Why does God bring so much rain in our lives? I know His purpose is bigger and better than ours, but why does He have to make us endure such pain. When she asked the question, it made me wonder if she's heard our conversations and picked up on our struggles. We will be more careful. Although, I would like her to have a real picture of life and God, not the fairy tale "Santa Claus" God who doesn't exist. It will be a matter of balance, of teaching her who God is through the Bible and through our own experience with Him.

All in all, Addie had a great birthday and we will pray for another wonderful year of growing and learning together. . .

Meet me in St. Louis

2008-08-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

Growing up anywhere in Missouri gives one a chance to become a St. Louis Cardinal fan. We lived in Jackson MO until I went to college, but when my parents moved to St. Louis during my college years, we became even more dedicated to the Cardinals. We've been working on Justin, since he married into the family in 1998. He's at least wearing the attire as he watched his beloved Braves get beat by the Cards 6-3. We had such a great time during the game. The temperature was perfect, and we saw Pujols hit a home run in the first inning! Who could ask for anything more! Addie enjoyed the game, but liked the snow cone more. After the game, she was able to run the bases with Justin on the field. It was a great day at the ballpark. Before the game we took Addie up into the Arch, which she knows about from Little Einsteins. After the Arch and the game, we headed to Max and Erma's, a famous St. Louis restaurant. It was a great day.

On day two in St. Louis, we went to the City Museum and the St. Louis Zoo. I would not recommend trying both these attractions in the same day. It was 12 hours of straight walking and climbing, but was so much fun! The City Museum was unlike anything we've ever been to, it had play structures throughout, with hands on learning and climbing. The outdoor structure as you can see from the photo is about 4 stories high of climbing slides, into planes, and wire ladders. With me being claustrophobic and afraid of heights, Justin did most of this with her as I took pictures and video. Then, it was on the the St. Louis Zoo, which is FREE! We had a fantastic time there seeing hippos swim, all kind of bears, tigers, and sea lions, OH MY! The sea lion show was great, and we all had a so much fun seeing animals we don't normally see at the TN zoos. We may have to do our St. Louis trip each year, since we weren't able to do everything we wanted to do. Anyone like to join us?

Tubin' Time

2008-08-27T14:06:00.001-07:00

My parents had a boat until I was about 8, and from then on we just had friends with boats. The last two summers we have rented or borrowed a boat for a few days. It's so much fun! I keep telling Justin we need a boat! (He says we just need friends with boats.) Maybe he's right, but I really do love being out on the water. Much to our surprise our little fish, Addie, spent more time on the tube than any of us. She LOVES to swim and loves tubing. At first we tried to be careful with her, and rode along slowly. Then we became more brave, and did not scare her no matter how many circles we drove in! It was really a great 3 days with my parents, sister, and Grandma on the lake. We will look forward to next summer and do it all over again!

When Satan Laughs

2008-08-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

My dad has been a pastor for over 42 years. He retired in December after much prayer and consideration, because his Parkinson's disease had begun to affect his job performance. It was a difficult decision for him, who once believed he'd go to his grave from the pulpit. Making the decision all the more difficult was his deep love for his church. Dad and Mom decided to stay in the church as members.

At the time of Dad's retirement, the church had minor issues but was growing, active, loving, and trying to reach the people in their community for Christ. Since his retirement, an interim pastor and influential men in his church have begun to divide the people and cause great pain to the church and my parents. At first, I wanted my parents to stay and fight for what I believed was right for the church. Now, I am hoping they leave the mess, either by leaving the church, or just staying out of the way of the fiery arrows.

What saddens me the most is knowing how much Satan is laughing. He uses Christian people for evil. He puffs them up with their own pride and selfish ambitions, and makes them believe in their hearts its for the best. Meanwhile, the bride of Christ is torn to pieces, made ineffective for the gospel, and breaking the hearts of the ones who serve in it. On a personal level, it's heartbreaking because I see my parents suffer. This situation has further aged my Dad, and caused his Parkinson's to be even more cruel. There are times I want to call those who are responsible and fight for my parents and what I believe is right. If I did, would I be any better than those who started the whole thing? I really don't know. Tonight I will pray, and I will remember who God is. He is the God of the Israelites, and when they worshipped the golden calves days after seeing the Red Sea part, He still loved them. The God of David, who even after David murdered his mistress's husband, God loved him and restored him. God is the Restorer, the Redeemer, Sovereign and I'm glad it's in His hands and not ours.

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart. Proverbs 21:2

Ghost Stories, S'mores, and Good Times

2008-08-05T16:02:00.001-07:00

It was a good weekend, and a hard one. Justin's Dad lost his job after being with his company for 35 years. We spent most of the weekend helping them get their house ready to sell. We did manage to have some fun while we were there. On Saturday, we got to spend time with Wayne and Sherry at their home and eat a WONDERFUL meal prepared by them. On Sunday, we met our friends Greg and Jessica at the park down by the river in the UT Campus area. Addie and Connor (their son) got to have loads of fun running in and out of all the waterfalls and sprayers.

After our time with them it was our 2nd Annual Camping Trip with our nephews. Justin pitched the tent in Mimi and Pop Pop's backyard. We built a bonfire and made S'mores! They were so good, and they just taste like Summer to me. After the S'mores, it was time for all of us to share our scary ghost stories. For dramatic reasons, we always hold a flashlight under our mouths. Then, we giggle because we can see up each other's noses. Most stories were not so scary since they were told by 4, 6, and 8 year olds. Justin's story scared Luke so much he slept inside in Mimi's bed. Addie's stories are always funny because they include princesses and unicorns, which usually are not all that scary. A good time was had by all, and we did manage to get a little sleep. (I slept the best, because I made it inside to sleep.) Once again, I am reminded of how fast the Summer goes. It's really such a gift, and I hope we will always make summertime's special.

Conversations of 4 year olds. . .

2008-07-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

We have been enjoying our visit with one of our nephews, Luke (Lukester) who is 8 weeks younger than Addie. On our way to church this morning they were having a conversation about a movie Luke has seen called "Monster House." The conversation went like this. . .

Luke: Then they dropped a bomb on the house!

Addie: What's a bomb?

Luke: It's like the thing they put in guns.

Addie: Like a bowling ball?

Luke: Yeah, that's it. . .

I started laughing and they asked me what was funny. I decided to let them keep their innocence a little longer and not explain what a bomb was. This is just one of the many funny conversations we've been hearing. . .

Addie Singing

2008-07-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

When you are pregnant and expecting new life into your home, it's hard to imagine who they will be and what they will be like. One of the things I was hoping for, besides loving Jesus with her whole heart and being healthy, was that she would love music. Well, Addie loves music and she is already learning to worship through music. It always thrills me to hear her praise the Lord with song, and even see her lift her hands in praise. I thought I would share a little bit of our morning praise with all of you . . .

Get Smart

2008-07-14T06:04:00.001-07:00

Don't worry, I am not going to start reviewing movies on my blog. I do have to say, go see "Get Smart." It is one of the cleanest and funniest movies that I have seen in years. Last night, I saw the movie again for the second time with Justin and several couples. We had so much fun. We all sat and laughed together, and then laughed together again outside the theater. I never saw the "Get Smart" TV show, a little before my time, but I'm wondering if I should find it on Nick at Nite. If you are looking for a purely funny movie, and tired of seeing all the crude humor, go see "Get Smart."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PK7RSEzP9Q

Adoption Book

2008-07-08T16:30:00.001-07:00

Well, Justin and I have been talking about adoption for a year and a half. It's been a long road for us. It will be 3 years this week that we had our first miscarriage followed in 3 months by our ectopic pregnancy which led to all the other problems. I wonder some times if I will ever stop wondering about the children we lost. I know some people believe you will see your unborn children in heaven. I'm not sure if the Bible really talks about it. Somehow for me it's easier to believe the life was never meant to be, and that's why God takes it. Believing the child is supposed to be with us and is not, just makes me feel loss to my very core. It seems like after a miscarriage you are just trying as hard as you can to be pregnant again to fill the void.

Although we are still hoping God blesses us again with another biological child, we've decide to move forward with adoption. My pastor Mark said something which has really resonated with me as we talked with him about our situation. "It will have to be more about the child to be adopted than about your desire to have a child." We need to stop focusing on what we want and remember there are children all over the world who have no parents. Unless we do something, the orphans in our world go without parents. We went to an adoption conference in April from America World Adoptions and it was great. I'll never forget what one of the women said. Their family had 4 biological children, and 5 adopted internationally. The woman went with her older biological daughter to work in the orphanages in China and they fell in love with a special needs little girl. On the plane ride home, the daughter said to her mother, "You know we have to go get her." The woman responded, "I have 8 children! I am too old to be a mother again!." The daughter replied, "What do you think she'd rather have, Old Mom or No Mom?" It pierced my heart.

I've been working on our adoption book, late into the night, the last few nights. It's funny how seeing all the pictures of those we love, and things we've done makes you count your blessings. I am blessed beyond measure, and even through all the hurt, I know He is there whether I like it or not.

Happy Birthday Justin!

2008-07-02T07:01:00.001-07:00

Justin celebrated his 33rd birthday yesterday!

We had a very fun day playing his new Wii and going to dinner with friends.

Every birthday I think, I could not love Justin any more than I do right now. Sure we have had hard times, with each other, and just life. I have to say, there is no one else I can imagine sharing this journey with. He is not only my best friend, but he is also the one who sees the worst in me and still loves me. He is my rock, and he keeps me sane and laughing. Through all of these last 10 1/2 years of marriage, we've only learned to love each other more. I thank God for bringing Justin to Belmont for one semester so we could fall in love for a lifetime. I look forward to many more birthdays with him! Justin, you are my world, and I love you.

I'm still alive. . .

2008-06-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

We were in Knoxville this past weekend to visit Justin's family and so I could sing in a wedding. The wedding was Sarah Bolinger and Matt Brooks, and it was a beautiful ceremony. It made me feel old. Sarah was in 8th grade when I met her 10 years ago, and was a part of the student ministry at Grace Baptist Church. It was my first real job after college, and Justin and I were married 3 months when I started in March of 1998. I was one of the student ministers and I loved every minute of it. It was a wonderful time for Justin and I, and the wedding was so great because we got to see all those from Grace who are so dear to us. Wayne and Sherry were some of our closest friends from Grace, and it was an honor to sing in their daughter's wedding. Wayne and Sherry taught us so much about life, marriage, and raising teenagers. It was a wonderful night, and it was even more special to share those we love with Addie.

Addie loved spending time with her cousins before and after the wedding. Growing up, we never spent much time with my 2 first cousins. They were an army family and lived in so many places, we never really got many holidays or other special times with them. I'm so thankful Addie knows and loves her cousins. We had a great time swimming, seeing movies, and just being together. As we unpack all the bags and I start the loads and loads of laundry, I will remind myself it was a great weekend. . .

Funny.

2008-06-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Check out my friend, Greg Adkins blog and his new video from his church "Real Men of Jesus." It made me laugh.

http://www.gregadkins.typepad.com/

Summer Cold and Missing Justin

2008-06-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

Every summer since I have lived in Tennessee, I have gotten a horrible sinus infection. I hate the way sinus infections drain my energy, clog my head, and just make me feel terrible. It's bad enough to have a sinus infection at all, but I think summer is the worst! Not only that you can't breathe, but you are miserably hot and can't breathe. At least in the winter you can step outside and the cool air helps you breathe more deeply. Not so, in summer.

Thankfully, this is the week I was going to spend with my parents in KY. Addie will be attending their VBS, and I will be able to recover with help. So, really I couldn't have picked a better time to be sick! This leads me to the missing Justin part. Before Justin, I really could just pick up and leave, travel and enjoy myself. I have a little separation anxiety, but mostly I just miss Justin. I love him so much that sometimes I ache for him. Justin is my best friend, and I really enjoy being with him. I really don't like to be away from him at all, and this time it will be a long time away. Maybe it's because we spent 2 years prior to marriage in long distance, but I think it's more just Justin. He's a great husband, father, partner, and so much fun. Life is just better when he's around. I guess the 50 phone calls a day will have to be enough. . .

Pieces of Me

2008-06-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are somehow just a mixture of pieces of other people, memories, and past experiences? It's almost like we are sewn together by the Master with threads of other people woven into our lives. There is one person who was woven into my life long ago, it is Courtney. She owns quite a piece of my heart. We've been friends since we were 8 years old. We've been through childhood, dating, marriage, children, infertility, spiritual questions, family problems, health issues, deaths, and any other thing you can imagine. I can't even express how special it is to have known someone so long and be truly known by them. We call each other "bosom friends" (from Anne of Green Gables). Courtney is certainly not my only bosom friend, but she's been around for most of my life. When I had Addie and other surgeries, she left her family to come take care of us. When I need someone to talk to, she is always there. When my Grandpa passed away, she dropped everything to come and take care of Addie so I could mourn. There is nothing we could do or say to each other, that in the end, we couldn't love each other through. She is my cheerleader, my Barnabas, my rock, and my sister.

I can remember when we would have sleepovers at each others houses and talk until the wee hours of the morning, only to call and talk for hours the next day. Our parents (and now our husbands) would always ask what we had to talk about. I can't even tell you, and I still can't. We still talk for hours at least 2 times a week. We've had great times, honest times, hard times, and quiet times.

I think this is why "Sex in the City," "Friends," "Cheers," and other shows like this are so popular. These shows all had one main thing in common, close friendships. I hope all of you have people in your life who are bosom friends. In this world to have intimacy, usually takes on a sexual connotation. Maybe this is the reason for all the promiscuity, and other problems in this world. People are searching and needing to be known, but in the wrong places for the wrong reasons. It's very sad to me. Intimacy with friends is a chance worth taking. You have to trust, put yourself out there and GIVE! Those who have many friends are those who are friends to many. I'm so thankful for the gift God gave us in friendships, and knowing they are eternal just makes it all the more sweet.

"Two are better than one; because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. (Eccl. 4:9-10)

Happy Birthday Courtney! I love you.

Anger Management.

2008-06-10T11:52:00.001-07:00

"If you kick a stone in anger, you hurt your own foot." (proverb)

Well, I came by it honestly from my dad, who got it from his mother, but we all have anger issues. We have what is called a "short fuse." It's one of the things I hate most in myself. Yet, it seems to be something I can't really control. I realize there is probably a pill for it since there is a pill for everything, but I don't want to take any more pills. The one thing that is good about a "short fuse" is I seem to cool off quickly. It doesn't take much to set me off, especially while driving. I try to remind myself how imperfect I am, and believe me, I know I am. However, the anger rises up in me so fast it just spills out and usually hurts the people who I love the most. It's hard to stop a cycle of anger, but I certainly don't want Addie to have the same issues. Thankfully, she really does seem to have Justin's easy going attitude. Justin has really helped me with my anger, and made me much more mellow.

There are times when we should be angry, like injustices in the world. We need our anger to motivate us to change the world. Just as Christ was angered by the money-changers in the temple, we should be fighting for what is right. Maybe it's all about finding the balance.

Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry. ~Lyman Abbott

The 12 Hour Worker

2008-06-09T05:46:00.000-07:00

There is a parable in the Bible (Matthew 20:1-16) which used to really upset me. It's the parable about the 12 Hour Worker. The paraphrased version is this, an owner of a vineyard goes out to hire people to work in his vineyard. He goes at the beginning of the day to hire people, agrees to pay a day's wages, and takes them to his field to work. Three hours later he hires more people. Again, 3 hours later he hires even more people, and this repeats again. Finally with only one hour to work, he hires the last group of people. At the end of the day you have several groups of people, those who've worked 12 hours, 9 hours, 6 hours, 3 hours and only 1 hour. The owner of the vineyard lines each worker up and pays them the same amount. A day's wages. He even paid those who worked the longest last. Of course this really upset those who worked 12 hours that they were paid the same as the ones who worked only an hour. The landowner says, "Friend I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don't I have the right to do with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?"

This is a hard pill to swallow. Why would this be fair? Why would they all be paid the same? What does it all mean?

It's important to know the historical reality of the day. You see in Christ's day, work was not guaranteed. The workers would sit out at the beginning of the day and wait and hope they would be chosen and able to feed their families that day. The ones who were hired first had the assurance they would feed their families, had their purpose (working in the fields), knew their reward (pay), and peace knowing it was all going to work out. The ones who were hired later, and especially last, spent the entire day worrying over how they would feed their families, having no purpose but just wasting time, with no peace of mind. Which one would you rather be, the ones busy working, or the ones hoping they are chosen?

Why do I relate to the ones who worked the longest? Possibly pride, but also, because I came to know Christ when I was 8 years old. I have lived it my whole life essentially. My dad is a pastor, and I remember being 15 and seeing an 80 year old woman come to Christ for the first time. I remember foolishly thinking, "Now that's the way to go, live like you want your whole life but still get heaven in the end." The truth is the poor woman lived 80 years without any true purpose, without any assurance of heaven, and no peace in her life. She and I will receive the same ultimate reward, heaven. We can't ever earn our way to heaven. But, I am so glad to be a 12 hour worker, my whole life I have had purpose, peace, and the time to get to know the owner of the vineyard.

Canoe Trip

2008-06-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, our Sunday School Class from church went on a canoe trip (9 families). We had so much fun! My parents always took us canoeing every summer, and I have to say it was even more fun than I remembered. The kids had a great time swimming, and we just enjoyed the ride. It makes me wonder why we don't do more things like this. It's always great to be in the outdoors, enjoying nature, and each other. (However, I do NOT camp. Sleeping is for indoors and big, fluffy mattresses.) Although most of us had a great time, there were a few who didn't enjoy the trip (kids). Given, it was really hot, and not a whole lot of action except the splash wars. But, I hope our children are not so overly pampered and spoiled that they can't see the beauty in an afternoon on the river. Maybe we were the same way growing up, but it seems like we've all gotten so addicted to TV, video games, and computer. It would do us all some good to smell the roses, and teach our kids to do the same. My Grandpa was one who taught me how to make memories, and not let time just pass by. When it's all said and done, I hope Addie will remember me with smiles of all the time we spent enjoying each other.

Dead Fish

2008-06-05T07:01:00.001-07:00

Well, it's happened again. Our fish is dead. When we went to check on the fish last night after church, we saw her breathing but doing the side float. That's never a good sign. I haven't told Addie just yet, so we'll see how that goes. Once again, we've had a fish less than a week, and it has died. We can't seem to keep them alive, even though we follow all the directions, special water, etc. Thankfully my love of animals does not extend to fish. Maybe I've been burned too many times to put my trust in them. Now we have the dilemma, do we replace the fish? We will see if Addie wants another one, it's not like they are any trouble. But, do we continue our fish genocide? At some point, maybe we should just leave well enough alone, well enough fish that is. . .

Dogs

2008-06-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know how much I love dogs, especially ours. (When I say love, I mean kiss on the mouth, snuggle, baby talk and hug my bulldog.) Gracie is 7 1/2 years old and to think of losing her is more than I can manage. Gracie is a HUGE part of our family. She even occasionally sits in a chair at the table with us for meals, and we love to play with her. She makes us laugh with her silly personality. Gracie is really my first dog. My parents let us have dogs when we were little, but they stayed outside and really, after I was about 8 years old, we never got another one. My sister loves her dogs like I do. I have several friends who don't like dogs. I really don't understand it. In certain situations it has actually offended me when they treat Gracie with apathy. What makes some of us feel like dogs are family, and others want nothing to do with them? Any thoughts?

The funniest thing . . .

2008-06-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

Addie was given a goldfish today by our neighbors. The fish was in a koi pond and was getting a little beaten up by the other fish. Addie has been very excited today about her new fish, naming her "Sarah." I came into the kitchen to this scene, Addie's princess Barbie's looking at her new fish. Just had to share it. . . (PS. We aren't sure why, but it seems Addie's Barbies are usually naked.)

On another note, Addie was asking if we still had snakes in our bushes like last year. We talked about how there are good snakes. She said, "What do they eat?" I answered, "Well they eat mice, rats and bad snakes." She then asked, "You mean like in the Moses story?" (The Plagues) Wow! She loves to read her Bible, but I had no idea how much she is actually retaining as a 4 year old. It's really amazing.

Do you still love me?

2008-05-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

My precious child asked me this question yesterday. I felt less than an inch tall in that moment. Addie is a very tender-hearted 4 year old, and really has a desire to please, especially me. It all started as we went to the YMCA pool near my parents' house. She was having a good time swimming and decided she didn't want to use her goggles. Instead of bringing them to me, she just set them on the side of the pool. Well, someone else found them. I was more upset than usual, due to my "mean pills." I told her of how leaving something behind, means others may take our belongings. I gave her the speech about how things cost money, and we would now need to buy more for her. I know I laid it on too thick. Several hours later she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and asked, "do you still love me?" I asked her why she would even say this to me, and she said one word, "goggles." I almost cried. It gave me the opportunity to tell her about unconditional love. I told Addie, "no matter what you do, Mommy will always love you. You can never do anything that will make me stop loving you." I remembered again, how God feels the same about us, and He deals with much worse than leaving goggles on the side of the pool. Lord, please help me see things in this perspective.

Garage Sales, Mean Pills, and Memories

2008-05-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, Mom and I are doing another one tomorrow, a garage sale that is. Every year we vow that this will be our last one, but it never is. It seems like a lot of work hauling all your junk, pricing your memories, and bartering with people over a quarter. I guess it's all very American, but it somehow brings out the worst in me. To see people look through your memories and junk, and decide how much it's worth to them, is more than I can take at times. Especially since my OB/GYN put me on Clomid to ensure I ovulate each month with my only ovary. The Clomid, or as we call it, my "mean pills" sends me right over the edge. It also moves the edge a whole lot closer for me. Hopefully, at the end of the day, we will make a little money, and no enemies. We'll see. . .

Addie's Funny Sayings

2008-05-26T10:37:00.001-07:00

Ok, so Justin says the blog is all too heavy and sad. Here's the funny things Addie has been saying. . .

When we told her to say she was sorry to her best friend, Macy, “Macy took the sorry right out of my voice.”

“Nu-uh Mimi.” said Addie
“What does Nu-uh mean Addie?” said Mimi.

"It is the Spanish word for no,” Addie replied matter-of-factly.

“Aunt Shawn, do you have a hot date tonight?” Addie asked.

“No, not tonight.” Shawn replied.
“Well, I have a hot evening! Macy is coming over to play!”

One day as I was talking on speaker phone to my sister, Shawn, she was telling me she was having trouble keeping her horses out of the hay in the barn.

Addie said, "I know what to do Aunt Shawn."

"What's that Addie?" Shawn asked.

"You just need to make a 'No!' sign." Addie replied.

“My Bible can’t get broken because it is true.” She said about her well-worn Bible.

Losing a Mom

2008-05-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, sorry to be so morbid, but it's on my mind lately with all of the tragedies. One of my friends from church recently lost her mom to cancer, while pregnant with her first child. I really can't even imagine losing my mom. Her birthday is tomorrow, and we will get to spend it with her. There is nothing my mom would not do for me. I talk to my mom every day, and she is a huge part of my life. We were out to dinner with friends a couple weeks ago, and one of my other friends talked about losing her mom to cancer at age 22. She said you never really get over it. She said it steals joy out of every occasion. Anything good is overshadowed by not being able to share it with her mom. Finding out she was pregnant, having her children, parenting, needing advice, needing help, all of this without a Mom. I will hug my Mom all the more tightly tomorrow.

My Grandpa's Eulogy

2008-05-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

How can you say thank you to man to whom you owe so much? He is one of those guys everyone loves and wishes He was their friend. He is my friend. I am privileged to say he is my Grandpa. He is the best of men.

In the summers, we always rode horses at least once a day, fished, went exploring through the woods. Our exploring trips Shawn and I would walk through the woods holding his hand while he’d tell us stories. We’d swing on grape vines, and he would pull down tree saplings for us to ride like a horse. We’d light fires up by Silver’s pond and cook hot dogs. I can remember riding in the tractor as he harvested corn and driving the truck while we picked up the bailed hay. One of our favorite things to do was to go frog giggin.’ Somehow, I was always the one to hold the frogs in the bread bags Grandma gave us. Each night we spent with them when we were little Shawn and I would sleep on either side of Grandpa and giggle until it was really late.

I have always feared his death. Even though I knew he would spend eternity in heaven, I just never knew how I could make it here without him. With all the serious health issues from the open-heart surgery, the black lung, the partial lung removal, he seemed to always fight back. I remember many times over the last 15 years when I’d be staying at their house, and I would crawl into their bedroom while they were asleep just to listen until I could hear him breathe. You see in my 31 years he has been a permanent fixture in my life. I can’t imagine a night with Grandpa without a Rook game where he’d say “I’ve got a hand like a foot” or a summer without hearing “are we gonna catch ole fighter this time Tif baby?” It was never about the fishing for me. It was always about having my Grandpa for hours on end just talking. The fishing was fun too. He was always so busy baiting my hooks that he never fished much himself! We used to have fun “jug” fishing, chasing those old jugs all over the pond and having the surprise of whatever was on the other end.

He was a friend to all. Even though he has only one son, he has been like a father to so many. He loved my Grandma deeply, for almost his whole life, and fought to stay with her until the end. He was a man of few regrets. He lived his life making every day count. He taught us not just about life, but how to live it. He spent so much time investing in us, loving us, enjoying us. He was never in a hurry. I can not think of one time when he was too busy for us. Whether we were just sitting there with him while he fixed a tractor, or sitting on the back porch: just to be near him was a gift. We looked forward to every time we could be with Grandpa and Grandma. He never left anything unsaid with us. We always knew how much we were loved and how deeply. He taught us how to love, how to be a friend, and how to make memories. One time when he was sick several years ago he said, “We’ve done it all, Tif baby, haven’t we?” Yes, Grandpa we have. And when I get up there, we’ll do it all, all over again. I remember being 16 and believing that maybe when I was 30, I could handle his death. I would beg God each year for just one more year with him. I know now, however much time I have had with him it could never be enough. That’s what heaven is for.

Haskall Travis (November 7, 1924-August 27, 2006)

2008-05-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

We went to the beach (Destin, FL) a few weeks ago with my family. Addie kept hiding her Polly Pocket dolls in the sand, as a game. We were supposed to find them. One day a seagull came swooping down a stole a Polly Pocket doll off our blanket. Justin chased after the bird, and the bird flew off and dropped it into the ocean. . .

Justin and I planned a treasure hunt one night for Addie. We made a map, stained it with tea, burned it to make it look old. We wrote clues on it, and we took it to the beach to look for a treasure, my parents hid for us. We had so much fun. Addie was so excited to open her treasure box with pretend money, ring pops, and princess jewelry. We now will probably have to do this every time we go to the beach until she realizes it is us. Too fun.

Life Purpose

2008-05-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

My husband, Justin and I have been talking a lot about our life purpose. We don't want to be like the world, just chasing after more and more money. I think God is getting ready to reveal a new purpose or direction for our lives. For the last 3 years, it has been suffering, loss, infertility, and struggles to find His perfect plan for our family. I'm ready to be done with all of that. I need to be done with all of it. I want to live my life worthy of Christ. I want to find why I am here, apart from being a wife and Mom. We've talked about moving to my Grandparents farm and building an energy efficient home, and really start over. It seems like we live with the "keeping up with the Jones'" world here, and I want no part of it. I really don't want my 4 year old daughter, Addie to live her life that way. So, we can live in the midst of it all, and teach her another way to live, or we can move to a place where it is not so prevelant. Big changes. We will see what God does.